I'm amazed at how easy it is to fall back into SI. It had been a long time, probably close to a year with only one period of SI in that time. I don't even remember when I started again, it was sometime in the last 2 weeks. Now I can't stop. It started with two cuts, which were easy enough to explain away. Now that my arms are raw with dozens if not hundreds of fresh cuts, it feels like I never stopped. Like I'll never be ABLE to stop. Like I'm not sure I even want to. Cutting works as well as if not better than any drug I've tried, and it's free, and it's private, and I can always do it, anywhere, any time.

I don't know how to stop or how to want to stop. I see my T tomorrow. I have been indicating on my diary card each day that I SI, but T hasn't even asked to see my diary card for the last 3 weeks so I don't know if she will ever know. I can't say "Well, btw, I'm cutting again..."

I am confused and hurt and frankly a little scared. This has a learning curve and one of the things I forgot was how sharp a shiny new razor blade is. I'm not quite sure I'm actually prepared to die just yet.