My entire life I have had very low self esteem. I've always felt too slow, too stupid, too slow, too lazy, too weird. I once went for weeks unable to look into a mirror and face myself. Now all of a sudden, I feel even worse.

Okay, I've always been a lazy person. This bothers my stepdad a lot, and he says I'm going to end up as a fat bum like my father. It doesn't matter how much I sleep; I'm always exhausted for most of the morning and sluggish during the day. I can't stay up very late and if I had my way I'd sleep in til past 8 everyday. Working out is complete hell because my lungs give out and I hyperventilate if I run outside for more than 3 seconds (literally!), and I'm not even in that bad of shape. In school I struggled to stay awake and slept through my classes. Lately this has been driving me crazy, and no matter what I do (sleeping meds, exercise, whatever) I can't get enough sleep during the night and not be tired in the morning.

The weird part is starting to level off. I'm starting to get the fact that no one wants to hear about necrosis, buzzard migration season, HTML coding, Lord of the Rings, World of WarCraft, Buddhism, Capgras Syndrome, any sort of animal trivia, or anything about sports. I also figured out no one else appreciates and/or gives a crap about the children I babysit or my family. And when someone says "what's up?" they do not actually want to know "what's up?" The proper response is always "Nothing much, you?" Even still, I feel like a total outcast whether I hide my interests or not.

The whole "not smart enough" thing is getting worse. I'm so freaking insecure about my intelligence that little things set me off. My teacher today corrected me on a math problem. I felt a little peeved, but hey, everyone makes mistakes. Then a peer had to add this "This is hard stuff, it's very easy to get confused. Just try again and you'll get it." For some reason this set me off the edge. I feel like she was patronizing me. I can't even bring myself to correct the problem because if I mess up again she's just going to baby me more! I just wish I wasn't so stupid. I can't read Shakespeare, I can't do math in my head, I can't even understand basic political terms.

I really hate myself, and now I'm so used to it I don't know how to stop. I've tried to fix my flaws, I've tried all the little tips and nothing works. My life isn't even that bad! I have a house, we're finacially sound, I'm passing my classes (barely) and I'm not being physically abused anymore. Why is it that I can never be good enough?