I've gone from about 0 mph to 120 mph in regards to activity for about the last two weeks. I am quite suddenly active in the community, doing a public blog and news group, fielding praise and criticism, actually meeting people I don't know for coffee, and tonight held a meeting I organized.

I've made some mistakes and public blunders and lived to even sorta laugh and joke about them. I've found a way to volunteer in my community and it is good for me.

And I've also way stressed myself out. Too much time online, too much time in researching some traumatic materials and history, not enough sleep, not enough debriefing, and I've been trying to run ahead of myself so I can keep going.

I'm in a bad flare of physical illness. And I outright melted down last night, the day after a nightmare of a nightmare.

I couldn't stop shaking, I was cold no matter what I did. I had flashbacks. I was scared and certain of horrible things.

I called the crisis line to get help in talking me down. They had to put me on hold. I cried and cried as I waited then hung up, it was safe for me to hang up, I'd written some good things in my journal while I waited.

I could feel myself melting down, losing touch, dissociating. I found my teddy bear and crawled into a closet, sat there and cried and slowly was able to tell myself supportive messages.

Some bad people have targetted me because of my work. The police know. This is only through a public email, nothing at my home or on my home phone. They also called to hassle me while I was at a restaurant in a meeting. No actual threats, though it is all threatening in its fashion.

I'm being safe, but damn, this is hard. I wish I could be an energizer bunny of social justice and civil rights work. I cannot. I can do the best at what I do and give myself a break.

So, I've melted down and lived to tell the tale. I don't know that I'm quite yet in the re-form stage of integration or whatever. Fortunately I can easily rest for the next two weeks. Might take me awhile to unwind. I figure lots of hot baths are involved. And visualizations of healthy flowing water, of warm sandy beaches, and safe caves.