T didn't ask for my diary card today, but I gave it to her. Just wordlessly handed it over. She said "So, you're self-harming every day?" and that was pretty much that. I talked for a few minutes about how hard it is to stop, how easy it is to do, how well it works in the moment. Then she brought up the next thing on the agenda.

I didn't even really realize it until I left the session but I think I was expecting, or hoping for, her to talk to me about skills to use, or something. She did ask if I was trying to use skills before I cut. I said I was, because I AM, most of the time, and that a lot of times I just can't think of anything but one or two skills and I do them and it doesn't help, or I'm doing them wrong, or something. I told her all of that.

I guess I'm saying that deep down I believed that if my T knew I was cutting again then she would be able to help me stop. And now I'm realizing that she can't help me stop. Nobody can. I will stop or I won't stop and it's just me alone, just like it is when I'm cutting. Not cutting is as private and solitary an act as cutting is. It just hurts a lot more. Cutting feels good and not cutting does not and all I want in the whole world right now is to feel okay.