I am sad because I will have to wait until next Monday to see my T again. I really like my T.
But I am very happy because session was so tender and wonderful.
I am really healing up inside and starting to feel it.
It is amazing because there is a calm that I have NEVER had before. Even with chaos at work, I am more centered. Even studying for a new certification. Not even afraid if things are not done exactly right for the boss. I do my best and let it go.

Something inside changed when my alter Mick last week told our T about that very big and dark secret. It was like a door inside opened up and I was free. A whole lot of the terror was suddenly GONE.

My T also wrote something top secret extra special in a secret book I got for myself and all my alter parts of me. He took time to write it and sign it special for us. And it is something only we (I) will read as I figured out it is OK to have that secret place inside me where I don't let others. It now makes so much sense how therapy works by paying your T because then it is a different relationship that is safe and I can let my T come in that close because it is a medical service - kinda like having a heart surgeon. I don't want anyone else opening me up and messing with my ticker - no friends saying "I can fix that for you!" Thanks but no thanks. I want / need an expert that can do the job right and let me heal from the inside out.

So now I am not bashing myself up because I do have my walls around my heart and my limits. It doesn't mean I don't love people. I thought that was what it meant! But it is OK to have your own heart guarded and then allow in people to different levels as you wish.

It is amazing because as I type this out to you guys, I am suddenly struck with the realization that it IS MY heart. I am not forced or guilted into love! WOW! My love is MINE! I get to be the one who picks who I give my love to and who gets to get into my heart!!

YIPPIE !!!

And the nice safe hug at the end was so wonderful. It always is, but it felt closer to my T for some reason. I really love my T and am so glad he is a good T and so safe.