I had elbow surgery Nov. 11, and I worked at home for a couple of weeks after that, but wound up in the hospital for 5 weeks starting Dec. 5 (illness unrelated to the surgery). I probably won't be able to go back to work till mid-summer.

I receive the paper I now USED to work for, because that way it guaranteed I always had a copy of my own stuff. Since I've been out, they've been using freelancers to get things covered.

Realistically, I knew that they were probably in the process of hiring someone permanently, but as the weeks passed and they kept using freelancers, I started thinking that maybe, just maybe, they would wait for me to come back. They've told me repeatedly that they'll hire me back as soon as I'm ready to go back to work, and I guess I let my mind get away with me.

The paper came today, and there was a new name, with "staff writer" instead of "correspondent" under it ..... meaning I've officially been replaced. I came to love the community I covered, and I made a lot of friends there, and now it's permanently gone from me.

I don't know why I set myself up to think they'd let me come back to the same place. I don't know why I let myself get my expectations up. But I'm sad as hell and I don't know what to do with it. I don't think they need any freelance help. I tried my former job, and they don't need any freelance help. I have nothing now -- I'm reduced to being my mental and physical illness diagnoses. That's all anybody sees of me anymore. I hate it. I hate not being able to be productive. I hate not having an identity besides "chronically ill person."

I'm just so sad.

Candy