I'm back home,and it's already begun.Frankly it began the first night.Ugghhh.I'm so depressed.I am trying to program my head to deal with this.But,I just feel a cloud of doom.I feel withdrawn unless I am helping someone else.I dunno why I bother talking about it.Why I bother with talking period.It's when I have time where I'm not talking to others that it seeps in.Then I just curl into a ball.I have other issues in my heart as well.One of which is so heavy.The other few are just pervasive fears about my son,and trying to figure out how to restructure my life to a sort of robotic routine of thought/action,so I can think less and just function off habit.If I continue on this spiral it won't end well.I need to pull up.My feelings are such a varied bag.My connections are so few.I only speak with two people in my life.My son,and a very darling soul who is a lovely friend to me.I need to either get busy living ,or get busy dying.I know it's one or the other.I haven't chosen yet.But,I find that this malingering weight on my heart is so impervious to change,that I am left exhausted.It is a sort of video cycle.It begins....does it's round...ends ...and restarts on a loop.So many of us are in such a loop.I realize.I am sorry to complain.I am just tired of wasting time in my life in the loop.I find two options.Either succumb to life.Or,succumb to ending it.Frankly I have been on this path for a very long time.And I can see the end on the horizon.I used to see myself in the future.But,now,when I think about it,I find thoughts all over which indicate to me that I am not long for this planet.I feel comfortable with that.I just wish I knew when.So I could look forward and tie loose ends.I wish I could be someone who was able to end the ability to love/care for others when it seemed that their purpose for my evolution was at it's end.Or when,it was clear that their degree of honor,and consideration toward me was so vague.But,I seem to have a place in my heart for absolutely everyone.I can love anyone.Even when things go south.I am unable to be bitter in a complete sense.I just keep loving as though they were my child.IDK.I am rambling.I've not slept more than 6 hours in a few days.I lay there and close my eyes and they pop back open....my mind is in constant motion.Sorry.I'm done ranting.Sorry about this if it's annoying.