i think i have two reasons for not being able to talk.maybe more but right now two seem so clesr and i hate both of them and am totally ashamed of it.

1. i want to talk but i just cant

2.i dont want to talk,it's a controle thing.i sometimes adhear to the strict rule of if you do nothing it will stop.someone talking,hitting,yelling.it works if you do nothing it will stop.

the first one i just cant talk.i want to so badly it hurts but the words just arnt thare.i am so frightened i cant even move my body never mind get out words.it is the worst and believe me i wouldnt wish it on anyone.how can you get any needs met or anything if you cant even open your mouth to ask.you learn to settle big time.most times this is ok but sometimes it isnt.i just cant describe it any more than this right now.

the second one is what i think was going on monday.i was feeling like i got caught with my hand in the cookie jar by my T seeing me throw away this reciept(LONG STORY)anyway when she started talking to me about it i was totally uncomfortable with waht she was saying.if i say nothing ,if i just dissapear and not respond what she was saying eventually has to stop and it did.it is a controle thing.she was asking me to do something i knew i was never going to be able to do i saw her as angry and i wanted her to stop.so just dont respond .she will tire of it and stop.now i feel bad and ashamed that i was like this it is kind of like being a controling little brat and i want to tell her i'm sorry i did this but i am worried that she will always think that this is what i am doing and it isnt.most times i am just scared.i guess this time i was to but in a differnt way.i dont know maybe i should just leave it alone