Quote:
Originally Posted by Lavalamp
Well, it happened again. A brief history : I was raised by barbaric, cynical, abusive, neglectful parents. My brother and I were subjected to abuses of all kinds. Physical, sexual, you name it. And when they weren't brutalizing us, we were being neglected. Physically, emotionally, the whole gambit.
My "mother" passed away 3 years ago. I can honestly say I've never shed a tear for her. I've only been to her gravesite once in those 3 years - to lay a wreath on the first Christmas because "It was the right thing to do." Haven't been near it since. And I have no plans to in the near future.
My "father" is 85 y/o and in failing health. Was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer some years ago and has refused medical treatment. Shortly before this past Thanksgiving I received a call from the local clinic where he lives. They informed me that Dad had been into see them earlier in the day complaining of problems passing urine. Told them he hadn't been able to go to the bathroom in 2 days. (!) They had immediatly drained his bladder & advised him that he needed to have a cathater inserted while they treated the cancer. Apparently the prostate had swollen to the point it was blocking his urinary tract. Of course by this time he was feeling better & told them flatly that he wasn't doing any of that & he walked out.
So the nurse was calling me telling me all this and urged me to try to convince him to have this done or he would "drown in his own urine - a slow, painful, horrible death."
So being the "good son" I rush to his house along with my brother & for 2 hrs tried to convince him to have this simple procedure done. Finally, in desparation I called the Division of Aging to hopefully find somebody familiar with this population who could talk him into it. Well, not only didn't that happen but I heard my father tell this person that if "anybody comes to my house I have a loaded shotgun & I'll use it!"
Well, that was it! At that point I got back on the phone and the lady from the Division told me she wasn't going anywhere NEAR that place and suggested we call an ambulance to have him transported to the Hospital. I called an ambulance service - explained the situation - and was advised that before they would transport him the weapon had to be removed from the home. So. The Police were called - again the situation was explained. I was expecting the local constable to come over and talk the old geezer out of his gun. WRONG!
The next thing I know there are about a dozen Police vehicles tearing up in front of the house - guys jump out with drawn pistols - rifles - and automatic weapons - in full gear... They surround the house, block off the street and after a bit I see my father being led from the house in cuffs...!
Of course on the way to the Hospital he makes some remark about "not wanting to live anymore" - which gets him 2 weeks in a MH facility for assessment and treatment...
After being released, the next time I speak to him he tells me "You're no damn good!!" Blames ME for the entire incident. Blames ME for rushing to him to get him the help I was told by medical personell to possibly SAVE HIS LIFE!!!
So that's the mentality I'm dealing with.
Fast forward to yesterday. I called him to see how he was doing. Because in spite of the years of torture, I still miss him - care about him on some level - he's my FATHER for Christ's sake. Like I said we have barely spoken since Thanksgiving. Well, when I called him yesterday he started right in on that ncodent - "How could you do that to me?!?" Etc Etc Etc. As if it had happened yesterday...
A couple times I tried to tell him that I didn't call to argue - just wanted to see how he's doing. He just wouldn't hear me! Finally I told him I had to go. And hung up the phone.
Afterwards I was FILLED with ANGER - SADNESS - FRUSTRATION. I'm to blame for trying to save that man's life?????  I paced - I swore to myself. I cried. I wanted to jump out of my own skin!! And this was after a less than 5 minute phone conversation with this man!!!
How is it that they can have such POWER over us when we KNOW - as adults - in therapy - rationally - that we don't have to be at the mercy of them any more. And how in the WORLD do we overcome that???
PTSD? "Survivor or Abuse?" What? All I know is my T will get an ear full of this come tomorrow. Any other feedback anyone has to offer would be appreciated.
HELP!!!! |
OK, CALM DOWN LAVA, YOU HAVE SAID A LOT HERE THAT BOILS DOWN TO ONE THING. YOU SAY IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND YET, NO ONE SEEMS TO LISTEN, NOT EVEN YOU.
CALM DOWN, are you calmed down yet? Ok, heres a hug because I am talking in my Kind voice as best as I can by writing in regular print.
Ok, I have given you a hug, do you need another one? If you do, than think about my arms wrapped around you holding you tight, I am gently rubbing your back and I am talking very quietly to you. Can you feel that? Keep thinking about that, are you feeling the stress and anger and anxiety starting to calm down? Are you ready to listen?
It is ok if your eyes are filling with tears and your slowly trying to let go of the short breaths that slowly end up into slow deep breaths. Can you let that happen? Come on, its ok. Easy, easy there.
Now, I am going to quietly talk to you and its ok to nodd in agreement. And its ok to keep focusing on relaxing and breathing deep.
I am sorry that you had such a difficult time, BUT, I am very proud of you Lava. You have been trying very hard and I know your working on it in every way, at home, work, in therapy, inside of you, even in here at PC.
Now, heres what has happened. Yes your father is a very disturbed person and now he is old and old people have a weakness that is showing they can no longer be capable of controling their weakness or personality defect. All the responses you got from society has proven this and they have told you what they cannot do, or how it is dangerous and they have to think about how this situation has to be handled in the safest way.
LAVA, I know that it hard for you, but the reason it is hard for you is YOU ARE A GOOD MAN, inspite of all that abuse, so much abuse that you have really struggled in every way to BE THAT NICE MAN.
This nice man that you really are is having such a hard time because you
ARE NICE. That is why it bothers you and your shaking and in many ways frightened. And that is what happens to nice people Lava. You are so nice that you don't like to see or treat your father with anything less than kindness. So, every time you interact with him, you feel punished and you deserve to know why.
Everything that I have told you or your therapist has told you is that you need to accept who you are, there's is nothing wrong with that Lava. All the things that you are seeing an talking about now are things that you are seeing because your a nice person. Your only beginning to let yourself understand that, no, you can't join those other people at work, or yes your boss has a problem, something that is very similar to your father but just at a different level. Because you have chosen to get help and let yourself be that nice person, you are starting to see all the faults in others, issues in others that keep them from doing just what you are doing.
This wanting to love your father, YOU ARE DOING THAT RIGHT NOW LAVA.
You are seeing how hard it is and you don't understand it. YOUR NOT ALONE. I talk to so many people in here that have so many problems and they really struggle BECAUSE THEY ARE NICE PEOPLE TOO.
You could very easily hop over to victims of abuse and read a young mans struggle with anger and he is about to face his abuser in two weeks. I am trying to help him understand something and he has PM'd me because he is now afraid, but, he has always been afraid. I am trying to tell him something, something that you need to know too, something that you are seeing and experiencing on a VERY BIG SCALE.
You are starting to accept who you really are, GOOD. But you have to also accept, YES YOU CAN LOVE YOUR FATHER BECAUSE YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON. But he's is too old to get it, appreciate it and on some level he has given into his anger and he is ready to take it and go. There is nothing you can do about that Lava. There really never was. But that doesn't mean that you can't be YOU, A LOVING SON, A LOVING BROTHER.
This is where you are being tested and on some level you know it but you don't have enough time under your belt, not enough therapy or giving in to who you are and finding the real strength of it. BUT YOU JUST DID IT LAVA, YOU REALLY DID IT, IM SO PROUD OF YOU. I know it was very hard on you. You can cry about it, and morn it, it is a part of accepting it, and allowing yourself to be what you are.
IM SO PROUD OF YOU LAVA FOR STEPPING UP THAT PLATE AND BOY IT WAS HARD ON YOU, EVEN NOW. But Lava, you saw it thru and all that you saw was how much it took to care for this person. DO YOU SEE THAT? And, your going to have to be even stronger, and in that you will walk away, knowing that you are allowing yourself to be YOU.
No, he is not going to take it Lava, he will fight it to his last breath, and a a part of you is going to have to morn that. But, you are going to learn a very hard lesson, something that so many other people in here can't seem to grasp. JUST CHECK OUT THE DEPRESSED FORUM. THESE ARE REALLY NICE PEOPLE LAVA, they are trying and they are depressed because they have been OPRESSED, and they don't know it. THEY DESERVE TO BE HERE, WE DO NEED THEM. But they don't know it, just like you EVERY TIME THEY HAVE TRIED ALL THEIR LIVES, IT WAS HARD.
You know they are trying to find the gene for this, even when they find it they are not going to know what it really is, no not for a long time. This gene is not a bad gene. IT IS A GOOD GENE. It is why it is so hard for you, what all these hard days have been all about for you, not only you BUT FOR THEM, and that young man that is crying and trying and angry about, and all those people that are cutting and disassociating and everyone in here being abused. THEY ARE NICE PEOPLE TRYING, TRYING, TRYING.
LAVA, YOU WERE BORN WITH A GIFT, SO ARE SO MANY PEOPLE IN HERE.
When someone comes here wanting to give up and I reach out, a couple of times with every depth of me, THIS IS WHAT THEY NEED TO SEE LAVA. Some of them are so nice, a young boy in a new school and he is trying to understand WHY, WHENEVER HE IS NICE, DOES HE GET REJECTED.
DO YOU SEE YOUR GIFT? Because if you do, and your really accept it and take off with it and no matter how much it is tested, SOME DAY YOU CAN REACH OUT THAT PERSON THAT HAS TO SIT ON THAT BUS AND BE ABUSED FOR WHAT YOU AND HE HAVE. SOME DAY, YOU WILL BE SO STRONG THAT YOU CAN TALK TO THAT YOUNG MAN THAT IS GOING MEET HIS ABUSER AND TELL HIM ( HOW HE IS THE STRONG ONE ) and what MAY HAPPEN WHEN HE FACES HIS ABUSER, as you are doing that NOW on EVERY LEVEL.
Every time you see your father, THANK GOD YOU DIDN'T GET HIS DAMAGED GENE OR HIS ILLNESS THAT HURT SO MANY PEOPLE, THAT IS HURTING HIM (RIGHT TO THE END)
Take a deep breath now Lava. DO YOU SEE IT NOW? Yes, you are going to have to let yourself be you to his very end. You can LOVE HIM, because YOU CAN LOVE. You are giving and trying BECAUSE YOU ARE GOOD TO THE VERY DEPTHS OF YOU.
When he goes, know that YOU DID YOUR BEST. When he leaves know the IN SPIT OF HIM, YOU HAVE MADE A CHOICE TO EMBRACE THAT YOU, that he could never accept. When he goes, BE THANKFUL THAT YOU HAVE SURVIVED HIM. And that you are so much stronger than he ever was. Live the rest of your life BEING THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE. Take every day AND REACH OUT TO OTHERS and give them PERMISSION TO HAVE IT TOO. Every time you do it, you will be USING YOUR GIFT where it will be appreciated.
OPEN EYES
And for all that come and read this?
