I feel like I post here too often and I'm starting to bother people, I feel like I need to just grow up and deal with it.

My depression is the worst it has ever been.

I am sad and angry every day. And scared, I am always so scared of everything. I never have any fun. I never want to do anything or see anyone. I have friends but I have to try so hard around them to act happy when all the while I just want to go back to bed and curl up and cry.

My ex boyfriend invited me over on my birthday because we've been almost back to normal lately. I spent the night there and he hasn't spoken to me since. 2 weeks later. I am worried things are just suddenly back to being over. And also that I'll never get over him. He was someone I could talk to when I felt sad.

My anxiety just keeps getting higher. I feel lumps under my hip. They've been there for years, sometimes they change a little, go down, then get bigger but they've been there for years. I get so anxious about them I want to throw up. I went to a doctor and he said not to worry since they'd been there for so long but I still worry. I worry about my health constantly. I can't sleep.

I also feel physically sick all the time. I right now feel nauseous because I am so stressed and anxious. I just feel so worthless and hate myself so much.

I've been in counseling since I was 17 (I'm now 22) seen 3 different counselors, many different doctors, even a dietitian, an acupuncturist, I've taken countless combinations of medication. Tried alternative medication. I've prayed, journaled and talked but nothing has helped. What do I do? I need help. I am so scared right now. And I am scared I will never get better. I know that I can't count on other people to make me happy. I need to be able to make myself happy. But I don't know how to do that. I don't know that I CAN do that. I have no one to talk to.

It's summer. I didn't get an internship so I am having to go home and stay with my parents in a tiny town where I don't have any friends and where I've so far been unsuccessful getting a job. The problem is I am so incredibly depressed and anxious that I don't even know that I could handle a job.

I want to get away, I want to just disappear and go do something wonderful and happy and exciting and forget about everything and everyone. I just want to be happy. But I can't do this.