Ok, this is going to be a little long so please bear with me. Ive been dating the most wonderful woman ever for the past 2 years. In the beginning of our relationship, I wasnt ready for a relationship (and she is a close friends sister which made it weird at the time). In the past, I was the person screwed over in all my relationships which is why I didnt know if I wanted to do it in the beginning. Needless to say, I did it and it was the best thing ever. I moved back to my hometown which she lived in and we had an amazing relationship for months. I would go see her and hang out with my friends and then sneak back into her house just to be with her some more. I was and still am crazy about her. I would call her after I left her house just to hear her voice until I was ready to go to sleep. Problems with her family came up and she was kicked out of her house. The only thing to do was to have her come live with me. She didnt have family in the area and she was finishing up highschool. I just wanted her to get through school and hopefully get a job that she liked. Since her parents no longer spoke with her, she wasnt able to go to college. I wanted to give that to her so bad but I couldnt and I understand that. I was only 18 or 19 at the time so it was a little awkward for me. I did the wrong things during this time and didnt stay with her every minute. She would come home from school and stay home. I would go to my friends house. I know I was wrong for doing this but at the time I didnt. She went through a lot of hard times during the time we were at my parents house. My stepfather ended up borrowing money from her and refused to pay it back pretty much. When she finally confronted my parents about this, my mother stuck up for my stepfather and he denied it. This caused an uncomfortable living situation. For months we looked to move out but it was too expensive. I later joined a band that at the time was great. Music is really important to me and I would love to do it for a living and she understood that. She would drive me to practice and hang out just to listen to us play and drive home with me. After a while, we all moved in together. The band, my girlfriend and 2 other people. Living was great for a while. We had the quiet we needed but my job ended up making me a giant ball of anger. My girlfriend worked there too for a while which was great and she later had to leave because of a hostile work environment that she didnt cause. The office is a high stress situation and the bosses are not concerned with the welfare of their employees. I continued to work there because without the job I wouldnt be able to afford rent and I was on the lease for the house with my girlfriend. The anger grew, and something changed in me. The changes as I said started, I guess when she moved in with me. I didnt notice any of these changes. I wish I had. We had fight after fight after fight and in the end I would apologize, say I understand and tell her that I would fix everything. I never did. For some reason I thought that it would just happen. I felt that if I didnt want the arguments to happen then they wouldnt, but they did. We had some good times in between the fights and I got worse. I stopped paying attention, I stopped asking her out places. I mean, we went to a few places, but not nearly enough. We never really spent much time together me and her. I dont know why I didnt notice any of it though. It just happened. Her birthday rolled around and I wanted to get her something that she really wanted. I ordered it for her and when it got here, it was a few days too soon. I couldnt pay for it yet and they wouldnt hold it. They had to send it back. I felt so terrible. She told me over and over that she doesnt care about her birthday but I wanted to make it special for her with the little money that I had. I probably could have just done that by taking her for a walk even, but I was too blind to notice it. I woke up during the night and rolled over and kissed her and tried to think of something special to do for her birthday but I couldnt think of anything. When the alarm went off for work in the morning , as usual, I was angry because I had to go to work. She would drive me and the other people in the house to work because .... well ... just because. Shes a great person like that. I dont know how I let the anger of my job and hatred for my current situation cloud the fact that IT WAS MY GIRLFRIENDS BIRTHDAY! She has done so much for me and I couldnt even put my anger aside for her. I screwed that up big time and I dont know how to make it up. After that, there was calm, a fight , calm and then another fight. The fight that ended it. She had been trying to tell me how she felt for months. She tried to tell me how bad I made her feel. How I didnt listen to her. How whenever she would bring something to my attention, I would blow up and try to defend myself. I wasnt like this before. I wasnt always like this. Something happened to me somewhere and I just dont know why it happened. In the end, she broke up with me. She said that she thinks it would be better if she left me. I dont know why, but I didnt think she was serious. I didnt think that it was really happening. I said the wrong things and it was over. I LET HER GO! I dont know why though! We didnt talk for a day or two. I started thinking to myself and I got a phonecall from my mom that had nothing to do with my relationship but somewhere during the phone call, I started thinking .... maybe its me. Maybe it really is me. Something that I never REALLY did before. I went for a loooong walk and started thinking about what is going on. I stepped outside of myself for a second to say "hey, what the hell are you doing?" I mean, I hate my job, my band (which I didnt really get into) was falling apart, my anger was getting out of control and I wasnt doing anything to keep my relationship together. I had lost the one person that I loved. We had promised each other in the beginning of our relationship that we would never say the word "love" because it just doesnt make sense to us. I didnt think I was ever really going to know what love is but when I think about anyone else I get sick. I dont want anyone else. I want her. I want to make her happy. I want to be able to give her the best life that she could have. I thought about all of the things shes done for me. We had plans to move to california together and start a new life together. She had started talking to her parents again months back and they started helping her through school again and they were supportive of the idea of us moving. I thought about these things. I realized that I had a problem. I realized that I needed to find out what was going on in my head that caused me to neglect someone that I cared for so much. How could I treat someone so bad that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with? I ended up at my fathers house who has gone through enough therapy in his life to write a book. He just talked me through the situation and told me that I should talk to someone. I also realized that I have a thyroid gland problem that goes through both sides of my family. I started thinking that that might also be a factor. My mother had an anger control problem for a while and then she was diagnosed with some thyroid problem that she was prescribed medicine for ... they ended up helping the anger and other parts of her emotions. I tried to sign up for therapy that day but they were closed. I made the decision to take therapy and quit my job. I got another job that I start soon and Ive called a therapy help line to talk me through some stuff. The past few days have been weird. My girlfriend (or ex girlfriend ..... i hate saying that) and I have been talking and we have even just cuddled because we both miss each other but she cant trust me. I completely understand that she cant trust me. I practically lied to her by telling her that I would fix things and didnt. She doesnt know anymore if she wants to give me another chance. She doesnt want to get hurt again. I dont want to hurt her again. I told her I would never hurt her and I did. I honestly feel that I can change myself. Im starting therapy and im going to confront everything that I should have before. But im worried that during the time im getting my life in order, shes going to completely get over me. I dont know if I can handle that. I dont want to live without her now. Its too late. She doesnt know if she can or wants to do it again. I wish there was some way that I could tell her all of the things that I realized about myself without her thinking that im just telling her to tell her. Im making the effort to confront my problems. I would ask her to come with me to one of my therapy meetings once I start going but by the time that happens, she might be over me and I dont really think she believes in therapy. Im not really a big fan either, but ill try anything right now to make things better. Ive never really had someone to talk to about my problems. I just dont want to lose her. I cant go on without her. I saw myself growing old with her. I saw myself retiring in the future somewhere quiet and calm and having just a beautiful relationship. I just want to be with her. I miss her so much. I miss the smell of her hair, i miss the way her skin felt against mine when we slipped into eachothers arms when we slept. I just dont know what more I can do right now. She wants to see me do something but im doing all I can do right now. I have to give her the space that shes asking for. I sleep in the living room. I tried to make reservations at a restaurant last week after it was closed and they allowed it. I got a nice table with a candle and they were going to sing Happy Belated Birthday. I know I can never make up for messing her birthday up. And shes brought up the fact that I never fixed messing her birthday up. I wanted to do something special for her. I hoped that it would somehow ... not make everything better .... but at least let her know that I really do care and I want to make the effort to make things better. She didnt want to go. I understood. Today we went out for lunch together and we talked about the situation again like we have the past few days. She still doesnt think that I can do it. She thinks that what I turned into was the "real" me and its just going to repeat itself. But thats not the case. I really want to do this. I know I have a problem and I want to be a better person. If I make the effort to do it and do it then we can have the relationship that we both wanted. I told her that I would continue to try to get my life in order and continue to try to fix our broken relationship until she tells me not to anymore. I just dont know what ill do if she tells me not to anymore. Thats the story. Now that leaves the question. I dont know if I should leave the band that hasnt been doing it for me and leave the house so I can let her have her space without me clouding her judgement by hugging her and trying to be near her as often as possible. Or should I just stay in the house, continue to sleep with the few pictures I have of her, hope that my efforts will be noticed eventually and hope that she doesnt get over me before I actually get somewhere in therapy. I just want to do the right thing. Im sorry that was long, but I had to say it all. Thanks.