Greenleaves,

I can feel how hard it is for you just now. Please remember that it is not your fault that you are ill, there is no need to blame yourself for feeling this way.

I agree with the other posters that you do need some 3d help, and I am sure you are strong enough to get some help sorted out.

It is hard to be honest about our behaviour when it feels so weird, and you have done really well IMHO.

Good thoughts, M