Yuck.
I just started a medication last week and yet the depression is back today. I know a week isn't long enough for the meds to kick in. I just really hope they do. I tried to push through today... Got out of the apartment. Saw a friend. Read some al anon literature. I just feel so foggy, like I can't concentrate. And so sad, like a monster made of iron is sitting on my chest (making it hard to take deep breaths). At one point I sat in the library for a while with my book and laptop. Next to me sat a girl with a pile of her textbooks and notes. She had her head down in her notebook so studiously... I was so jealous.
I thought, I wish I were in school, engaged in something, focused on something. But I feel so lost and nothing really means anything to me these days... So, I don't even know what I would study... I went back to the al anon reading. I guess that's what I'm doing now. I just want to accomplish something in my life. Everything feels hard and far away. It's days like today that I especially hate depression and I feel moody, impatient and ineffectual.