I've been with my husband for over 7 years. I'm physically under-developed in my vulvar vestibule, vagina, and uterus. This has always caused sex to be exquisitely painful. But in the beginning I didn't know I had a physical abnormality, I just knew that sex HURT. In my ignorance, I figured "Oh, this must be why guys are more into sex than girls!" (It never occurred to me that I might be made wrong.) After about a year of sex as an act of giving and gritting my teeth, my husband noticed. Long years of psychotherapy and doctors commenced. I had two surgeries. I was told I'd have to dilate every day to keep my body from returning to its natural too-small state.

My psychotherapist made great strides in reformatting my thinking about sex, and keeping me from retreating into myself at the first kiss, touch, or hint of passion. I've accomplished all this with great support from my husband. But we've moved far away from that doctor and there's still one hurdle to overcome, and we're stuck. Insertion.

No matter how comfortable and safe I feel, no matter how passionate the moment is, the moment of insertion still chills my insides. It's as natural and reactive as throwing your hands up to protect your face if something was coming at you. I stop thinking about sex and immediately switch to self-preservation mode. I can't quite figure out how to rid myself of this old knee-jerk reaction of terror, even though it's no longer necessary. My husband sees my fear of him, and it makes him feel upset and guilty and worried for me. The moment is ruined.

Prescribed dilation happens more often than sex, and that experience is unfailingly painful even though I have numbing ointment... so that is probably only reinforcing my fears that insertion = pain. But that is necessary, and there's really no getting around it. If the dilator wasn't hurting me, then it would just be my husband hurting me again. Do you all have any suggestions for overcoming this reaction? We'd really appreciate it, thank you very much!