Good for you Lava,

That is a good sentiment. I was just joking about the nut as Gently mentioned. If I can put that word up and laugh about it, well that is good for me as that means I do not take that seriously about myself. It tells me that even though people around me
drank and because I kept pointing it out they would say, Oh no its not them its me or Im nuts, I can finally not let it hurt me.

Actually for me that is a big step towards the sentiment that has been mentioned by you.

I was thinking about how so much of my life was me trying so hard to stand up to all the different alcoholics in my life. I think it is so strange that they were all binge alcoholics. How I didn't realize that they were a kind alcoholic and could never understand why when I complained they would always say it was me.

I understand how hard it is Lava, I really do. I sometimes get maybe overly supportive in my posts, as I have had to really stand up in my own life.
I truely know how hard it is to fight back and stand tall so to speak.

I cant tell you how many times I tried to get help and went to therapists and told my story over and over and sorry to say, got no help. They too wanted to put some blame on me or wanted to drug me out somehow. It was really a mind blower to me to be honest with you. It was like saying if you can't beat them, join them.

Well, at least there is more support for people like me now, the cat is out of the bag so to speak. I would somehow like to go back to the different therapists and ask for a refund of the god knows how much money I spent.

Yes, I get passionate about others who suffer and somehow, yes, I want to reach out and say something, anything that will help them see that yes, it did happen and it was bad, but, you can be strong in spite of it.
Like you I did have to go back and say, yes my family had issues and no it wasn't perfect and yes I really suffered a lot of abuse in so many ways.
So many ways Lava so many many years of it. And somehow, it was always blamed on me or taken out on me or I really had to literally run from it.

I guess you can't imagine that I tried once again to get a therapist, and yes he was nice, but something was not right. I found out why when he told me that he had been an alcoholic/drug addict and he was a person in repair. Then it explained why he would cut me off in therapy and how sometimes he would need me instead of giving to me. Oh yeah Lava, I have lived with that for so many years, all my life even in marriage that, how could that possibly be? I had to sit and listen to a man who was going through his second divorce, and thank god no children. How I was sitting across from someone who did to others what was done to me. How he sat there and admitted that he had narcisstic tendencies and how his maturity level suffered and how I knew what that meant in every way. I didn't need that, I get enough of that every single day for as long as I can remember.

When I tell people KNOW THY ENEMY, Im very serious. When I tell people who want to go back and tell their abuser, "You were mean to me" better watch out, as they are more deceitful than you think.

I wish I could show you how hard it has been and is now for me. How I am having to be very strong and so many ways and thinking every day about that sentiment that you pointed out.

I don't have just one retaliator who is very draining, I have many, been outnumbered all my life. Maybe I come on strong here as I have to be really strong outside PC. Maybe thats why your strength that you had to use really meant so much to me. How proud I was of you, more than you know, how much I knew how hard it was, is now.

No, I didn't want to leave you with that word PAIN, because I was left with that over and over again until I found strength. And by looking past all those moments of going back and staring at it over and over with a therapist, it was ME WHO SAW THE REAL REASON. I resented the fact that IT WAS ME THAT HAD TO POINT IT OUT CONSTANTLY. No, I do resent the fact that somehow I HAD TO BE DRUGED TO DEAL WITH IT.

You know some one told me AGAIN that oh it must be me. Wow, Lava, more brain bashing, disbelief, invalidation, more calling me NUTS. Well,
I now have the staggering statistics pointed out in BLACK AND WHITE.
One more study, piece of confirmed information to add to my file whenever I sit in front of a therapist. I have a pretty big file, maybe now, I have enough evidence.

What if I were to tell you Lava that my neighbor is a MEAN DRUNK, that no matter what I said, he had to shoot off fireworks next to my horses, how even the police couldn't get here in time.
How he trys to tresspass in every way, even tearing down my signs. How I had to pay the ultimate price of seeing my animals DESTROYED, MY ONE IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE LAVA.
Because someone is a MEAN DRUNK and doesnt respect me or anything I have. AND HE CALLS ME CRAZY, NUTS. HOW HARD IT THAT?

So, yeah, when I see someone angry, crying, feeling alone, blaming themselves wanting to hurt themselves, no one will listen its ruining their life they are blaming themselves or being blamed and trying so hard, I CAN'T HELP BUT REACH OUT TO THEM. GRAB ONTO THEM SOMEHOW AND TELL THEM, NO, IT REALLY ISN'T THEM, STOP HURTING YOURSELF OR BLAMING YOURSELF, FOR SOMEONES ELSES PROBLEM THAT EFFECTED AND HURT TO TO THIS POINT WHERE YOU WANT TO HURT YOURSELF OVER IT. Even if someone hates me for pointing it out, well, as long as they see it, thats all that matters to me. I only WISH, SOMEONE DID THAT FOR ME, I REALLY LOOKED FOR IT TOO. " KNOW THY ENEMY" "ITS NOT YOUR FAULT"

Open Eyes