the first thought i had was for you to call a crisis hotline.
but avidreader i have some other thoughts for consideration:

when I was trying in my case to deal with major depression alone my results were nil. my brain was worn out from trying. i resisted getting help tho why i can't explain now. i guess i was in denial about my MI. i ended up going down further.
the only way i improved was hospitalization, therapy, meds and seeing a pdoc. for me the efforts proved successful. i'm sure there are other places near you that you might consider to try out for help. not all hosps., therapists, or pdocs are all they are cracked up to be. there were times i had to look elsewhere when the help wasn't up to par. tho there were times i saw a substandard T or pdoc due to finances. i made myself forge ahead anyway cause help was better than no help at all. i couldn't fight anymore for my life by myself.
i encourage you to not shoot yourself in the foot. it sounds like you need help too. i view it as throwing as much spaghetti on the wall and some will stick.
i guess the question is, are you willing to have an open mind and then do the part of the footwork required on your part? not busting you. i know your cry for help is sincere.
just my thoughts on the subject, just me.