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Greenleaves said:
Behaviour, I can learn to control my behaviour, but it's really hard to control my behaviour sometimes. If I could control my behaviour all the time, I wouldn't have most of the problems I've been having with people. It's really hard Genevieve, really hard.
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OK. It's hard. But you know what? You never start by controlling your behavior all the time. And trying to only sets you up for failure. How about being realistic here, since this is for your benefit. Try to control one behavior a day, maybe? Grab a kitchen timer and pace yourself -- "I can still have hysterics, but I have to wait three minutes first before I express them." See what works for you. Or learn to question your own beliefs before you react to them. Your other post about AdminGuy? How about, before you go into that world of hurt you go to, you ask yourself whether that's really true? Ask yourself other reasons he might not respond to one of your emails? Maybe he hasn't read it yet? Maybe he has thirty emails from his paid job that he has to handle before he can deal with his website? Maybe it has nothing to do wiht liking or not liking you?
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You know how hard it is for people with eating disorders to change their behaviour right? It feels like the same for me.
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Actually, I very much doubt that. What's more, that really feels like hostility directed at me, GreenLeaves. If you don't like the form of my support, or you don't think I am writing this because I care that you get some support in trying to learn new coping strategies, please tell me. I won't waste the time I take anymore if that's the case.
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I know my behaviour is dangerous and hurts people, but I still do it.
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No, your behavior doesn't hurt people. Your behavior hurts YOU. That's something that you need to learn, that YOU are the one who is hurt by your behavior, not other people. Doesn't that give you some incentive to work at it?
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I have to learn to replace my current behaviours with better ones. I've got to do it until it becomes second nature.
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OK, so what are you going to do to make that happen? Or are you only going to say you need to do it? How are you going to start? What is your first step?
If you decide to do something about this, and you follow through with it, you will get far. You need professional help, in your real life, in the face to face world, but you can do it -- if you decide to do so. That's up to you.