I have been calling my T the last couple of days. Everything has gone to hell. I am having "those" thoughts again. I want to drink and cut and more. I am trying so hard. I told my T I am having bad thoughts and want to drink and stuff. When I went to my pdoc appt. he was going to give me Ativan, which I have abused before. I told him that if he gives it to me, I will take it all and drink and just, in general, get blitzed. My T was proud of me for telling the pdoc about the Ativan. Although now I am starting to regret it. I love my T. I hope I can make it till next week. It is getting harder and harder to fake it. I can only be my real self in T where I don;'t have to hide the depression and anxiety.