>>Is it possible that if people had pursued you in the past, you might have downplayed it because you figured nobody would want you

I could answer that one either way. On one hand although I've always had self esteem issues in many ways, I was very self confident with certain aspects of my life. I still think I am an absolutely great friend, great fun to be with (not with my depression now, of course) very sympathetic and open, not one to shy away from "difficult", "taboo" or "uncomfortable" issues. I honestly thought that someday something would grow from that which is one reason I never worried aboutit.

On the other hand very much of my life has been in fear of being "discovered" about my sexuality. To be more specific about some of the comments in my first post, there were times in my life when I was very supportive of some friends and their families going through difficult times, I became very bonded with some of the young men in the family, but because I was there for emotional support I felt it was important not to add more confusion to the issue by having them know my sexuality. Some of these families were very narrow-minded in general and I'm sure they wouldn't have taken it well, but even if there was the possibility that it might be OK for them to know, it was certainly not appropriate to bring up the stress of having them consider that and possibly question my motives at a time in their lives when I was close to being their only outside source of support. So I stayed "in the closet" for practicality of continuing my relationship with them.

That definitely makes the equation so much tricker especially in our society, but even so the many years, even when I was completely "in the closet" I was also never approached by girls either. So never even had an opportunity that I didn't want. It is possible that there were more subtle things at play, maybe my female friends "sensed" something that kept them from being more than friends... and stuff like that. Whatever that was 41 years of my life and it is very discouraging now matter what.

>>but I know that people can care and still not recognize they should offer help.

This is a good topic maybe something we should open at some point in a new thread. This is one of my biggest "concrete" concerns about my life now. I certainly was victim to what you describe. I speak of this often, how as the depression grew I isolated myself further and further, actively pushing people away. And then being angry at them for not "realizing" that they were "supposed to" figure it out and break through my "smoke screen". This is something I criticize a lot in others and yet I was doing it myself and I KNEW I was doing it.

There were some times when things got really really bad, particularly the weekend before I went into the hospital, I was desparate and decided to reach out to some people and told them I needed them to visit because I was having a rough time. They said they were coming but never showed up, obviously changed plans and didn't think it necessary to so much as call me to tell me they couldn't make it. Of course that is rude anyway but in my mind they had really rejected me in my time of need. However when I looked back on that I realize that although I was really desparate and needy, I doubt I made that clear on the phone with them. Just out of habit trying to play it down so as not to upset anyone. From their point of view they might legitimately have thought I was just bored and lonely and wanted a visit, even though in my mind I felt like I had definitely asked for help. I think this is what you have described.

What is different now though is that this is one of the most concrete things I worked on in the hospital and followed through with when I came home. As I said I knew I was doing this and I think I was intentionally pushing everyone out so that I could go through with "my plan" in solitude and with less guilt. My choice to go into the hospital instead was very sincere and was a decision to turn things around. While in the hospital I contacted many many of my friends to let them know what had been going on, to let them know why I was in the hospital, to apologize for pushing them away, and expressing my desire to stay in touch and let them know what was going on out of respect for them and for my own well-being.

I followed through with that with 5 stars when I was released from the hospital. I kept calling people, didn't sit waiting for them to call me and "judging them" for it, being honest with my feelings, etc. Yet over time I have found that now I am just as isolated as I was before despite my proactive action. I had several instances identical to the one I described above, where I needed not to be alone, called someone to come over, but this time they not only were more informed as to the "score" but I made sure that my language was very clear, that I needed someone over, that I felt unsafe being alone, and just wanted someone to come so that I wouldn't be alone. Imagine my surprise when I received the same response as before, people promising to show up and then not coming. This really really hurt. I understand that for some of them it may have been difficult emotionally to deal with my situation, but 1) they could have made an excuse or at least called to say they couldn' tmake it after all instead of leaving me hanging, and 2) of all the people I know, many of them open minded and having dealt with depression before, I find it hard to believe that there is NO ONE who was able to take up the challenge and be my friend and respond.

I have ended up relying on hotline numbers again when I am in a bad state but they don't help when I really want someone I know and trust to talk with me or visit, and the disallusionment of not having anyone able to be here for me really has added to my depression. I have a lot less trust and therefore not many left that I would even trust to try calling again.

As I've said I don't think most of them are bad people. I know many of them are not skittish concerning depression or my state of being. But it seems that those who understand, whom I though were among my closest friends, really consider my only an aquaintence. Willing to talk to me as long as they are not doing something else, offering support and encouragement, but not able to be here at times when I need them, to take the effort to drive over or miss their favorite tv program on my behalf.

I'm pretty damn down about that.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
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