My friend told me "you are not doing enough" to get a job.
I have been trying SO HARD to JUST KEEP MY GRIP ON REALITY.

I am looking for a job in a different field from which i was trained for - i see today how wrong i was choosing that profession back then. If i am not being deeply authentic i start to dissociate.

I am still not occupied but i am looking for it, changing my resume and orientations...

this friend who told me those things hurt me in away which numbs me out of any emotions at all, causing some dissociation again. It is SOOO stuck inside because i DO feel shame and guilt for not succeeding to find a job and a failure for how i did in college and those interviews i have been to they did not call me back.

In the back of my mind i do feel like a piece of ****. but you see - i am really trying hard to work on myself to BE IN A condition that allows me to finally feel ok, connect with people and WORK for my living and not being supported by parents being 26....

I feel like i am really going to get at it soon - i am working on it JUST SADLY IT TURNS OUT SO SLOW - because i find myself sitting and day dreaming how i talk to that therapist i had...it is SO HARD TO STAY in the now -

So i feel like this friend has simply dismissed it despite his depth and then after pointed out to him he said "i love getting angry"

Does he simply like to be emotionally abusive?
I showed him then love and support because he said that he wanted to mature beyond that - but i was the first one to notice how he always does it and how he has that huge ego + that eats everything.

so its been like 2 weeks or so and i feel like crap.....
I still feel the shame and the guilt and generally that i am a dirty piece of **** that does not deserve to live!