I wrote this in my journal and have decided to share it. So if it sounds like it's written odd, that's why.

My therapist is peeving me. As usual. I was actually starting to have hope for our relationship. But of course he has to screw it up. He never sets up appts ahead of time. He'll tell me the day of and worst of all a few minutes before. I start questioning "does my therapist really even care about me? Enough to even give me an appt time?" He says things like :"I'm not a typical therapist." and "I may have to cancel anyway". Due to the fact that he deals with a lot of crisis situations. But I once questioned how my nurse kept appts, when she works with the same patients. Just like her being there for my doctors appt yesterday. And I realized that my therapy just isn't that important to my therapist. My nurse when she's given a time she sets things aside to be there. She tells the rest of the team "I have this date with this person and I can't be called out for it". "My" caseworker is the same way. He'll say "lets meet on Friday at 1:00pm to go do whatever" and he's there. No excuses. Perhaps my strongest line of defense in beating my illness is therapy. And yet he refuses to stand up for it and ask for time set aside for it. It's like he's afraid to say "well actually I have to meet with Lydia, so I can't". I'm not trying to be conceited in what I'm saying and think that I am more important then other clients. But there are 5 other staff to help out and if the other team members can do things at specified times, when they deal with just as much, then so can he. They realize the importance in that particular thing.

My therapy to me is important. It's my strongest line of defense. And when the therapist doesn't take it as seriously, it's disturbing. Most of those other patients aren't "therapy eligible". Meaning their strongest line of defense is medications. This is not the case for me. They do not deny them psychiatry appts, nurse consultations or the medications that saves their lives. They don't force them to fight for it. They may not always be there exactly when they want it, but in general it's understood that they cannot survive without these things.

So I always held on to the fact and prepared myself ahead of time to know that USUALLY we meet on Thursday afternoons after group. Because I'm in there and it's simpler. Yesterday I had my neurology appt and got done in time for our usual appt time. My nurse asked me "are you going home or are you meeting with 'therapist'?" I said I didn't know, but usually we did meet on Thursdays. She calls him and he sounds really snarky. "I'll call her later. I don't know when. For next week." She gets off the phone. She asks me "did you hear him". I said no. I wanted her to repeat it in a nicer way, so I wasn't left with his attitude seared in my memory. She didn't repeat it. She said "He said he'd call you later. Maybe to set something up for tomorrow?" I couldn't decide if she was trying to lessen the blow or the reaction I may have. Or if she was going to talk to him later about how he can't skip weeks with me, so therefore she said tomorrow. I have a feeling she didn't want to be around when I found out he was yet again skipping sessions with me. Or not realizing I can't afford two weeks between sessions.

I cannot tell you how many times I have *****ed and complained about him skipping multiple weeks in a row. It's like if I am not on him 24/7 he'll completely discount my therapy as nothing. Not important. Or perhaps he just gives it to me to shut me up. It's almost not even worth it anymore. In fact it isn't. I've told him how hard it is to go a week between sessions, let alone, two, three, four. I know that sounds desperate. But please understand my situation. I have no real supports. I do have family and friends, but most of them are very in the dark about my illness. I do choose to make it that way. But on another note I have terrible issues with trust and that is my main reasoning. Although my family has changed quite a bit, in the past they told me to "get over it" and that they were embarrassed by me . I don't talk to anyone about my issues. But everyone comes to me. Basically I have PC, a journal and that's it. O and my dog, who gladly listens. I have constant plague like thoughts of suicide. Mostly repetitive, obsessive compulsive thoughts. Terrible flashbacks and to top it off I have an entire diagnosis of narcolepsy to accompany it, which leaves me constantly sleeping and having nightmares from hell. To say the least I just survive with one appt a week.

Not that I believe therapy is a cure all, savior thing. But mostly I find myself in those sessions being pissed, because I know that my therapy is not important to him. I feel that at some points he really does care about me. But doesn't understand what it's like to live in my shoes or understand how important it is to me to have at least one hour a week to vent about all the things in my head, because I have nobody else. Sometimes this causes me to blame myself. "Maybe if you would tell him more clearly how upsetting things are". And I am constantly badgering myself about my lack of social skills in real life. Sometimes it makes me believe that I am the problem and I should learn to be more concise when describing things. Especially because I really do believe he cares about me as an individual and yet he doesn't understand what it is like for me.

None of my friends know I have OCD, although some may venture a guess. None of them know I am consistently dealing with thoughts of suicide and flashbacks. Most of them have no idea I even have PTSD and although most of them know I have narcolepsy, they take it as more of :"oh okay you fall asleep while standing up" deal. But it's much, much more then that. People say "well tell them". But it's not that easy. I am not a communicator. I would get inherently nervous and end it with "yah but whatever, I'm fine, life goes on". Even when I am very sick. So I don't even bother with it anymore. A therapist may challenge that "yah but I'm fine" ploy. Friends don't. I don't expect them to. It's part of life. Eventually you get tired of discounting your feelings and you just give up talking to others.

But it's always the same cycle. I say "Stop skipping sessions with me". He says "You're right, I'm sorry" and for awhile he'll be on the ball about scheduling. Then like off the edge of a cliff, it plummets. First we've discussed I should have two sessions a week. Then suddenly without notice it drops to one. And then bam, none. I realize it's been a whole 24 hours. But the fact that it's happened multiple times in my time with him. It's a sensitive area to say the least. Not to mention he's already dropped off one session. Like I said if I'm not hypervigilent about it. I don't get therapy. If there is some tactic behind this, I'd really appreciate he be more up front about it and stop messing with me. As he said to me one time "I can only read between the lines for so long".

At first I considered the fact that maybe he was challenging me to use my voice and tell him when things were off. Maybe this was wishful thinking that he really didn't forget about me or didn't care about my therapy. But after like the fourth of fifth time I decided he knew very well that I could use my voice and this wasn't his ploy to begin with. Of course I could keep telling myself. "He just wants to make sure your practicing". But naivety in total isn't healthy. It's time to face the facts.

He ended up calling me at about 2pm and said we could "meet next week on Thursday". I'm actually surprised he even set up ahead of time. Even if it is a week away. I guess I just don't understand why without discussing it, he just drops the ball. Drops sessions. Drops everything like it should be okay with me and I'll just get over it. I should appreciate he helps me at all. Right??? No. Bullcrap. I don't deserve this. Therapy is my only line of defense. And if he doesn't realize that then he needs to pack up shop and get out.