Oh, cant stop crying, that is such a good name for me. I know it is not my fault, just as i know i am not to blame for all the deaths of my soldiers, but the guilt and the blame and the responsibilty still comes back to me.

I just cannot let anyone close becuz they will be taken also and it will be my fult no matter what logic says, no matter waht anyone else says. getting close to me is hazardous.

I felt this way once before, when i found that a close combat friend had died. His adult son emailed me with thi sinfo, and i felt like I ws just devastated. And i felt this way when i met wih the psychiatrist about ptsd. He asked wy i was reluctant for treatment, and i told him through tears and sobbing, that "it's like the bad guys win. It's like I finally have surrendered."

He told me the 'bad guys didnt win" but let's ask why this fine young woman has died. He deathi s just as random and tragic as any GI.

I was asking about her because I wanted to tell her how much she has helped me, just with two visits and neither as regular counseling, and now she is dead. I canot tell her.

this is tragic