***** Trigger Warning *****

OK, this keeps coming up and haunting me. I can't talk about it 'round home because everyone knows everyone. I am posting here because therapy is where it happened and where it is affecting my life. While I usually have a tough skin I don't on this one so if you have something crappy to say please move to another post.

I worked with a T about 10 years ago. I do honestly believe she cared about me. I know where she went to school, who she studied under and what she learned. I blame them.

At some point in our work T discovered I was DID. She met a few in the system but worked extensively with "the little one". T knew how to switch me without my having a clue. She tried play therapy with the little but the little just froze in terror the two times we went to the play therapy room. She tried drawing and painting with the little one but still just got a scared frozen response. T started letting the little one e-mail her between sessions and then got soft on other boundaries too. T said that she really liked us and when we were done with therapy we would be friends. Because we were going to be friends we both "bent the rules". Nothing big but little things here and there.

We came to session one week and she asked the little if it would be OK if she did hypnosis with her. The little one would do anything to please her and quickly agreed. As T started talking the little one started to relax like she never had before. It felt really good. Then, in the middle of it T starts talking in vivid detail about our nursing off her. We felt confused and yucky.

I didn't think about it for years. Now I am working with massage T who does not do hypnosis but does do deep relaxation stuff. Every time we start to let go and relax we have "flashbacks" of old T bearing her breasts (which she had not done in session but the details were vivid enough that she didn't have to).

Massage T is doing really great job with the little one. The more the little one catches herself relaxing the more scared she gets. The massage work will feel great, we will start drifting into this amazing peaceful tranquility... Then the little one has a flashback, the muscles tighten and the massage work becomes extremely painful. When the little one has a flashback she superimposes the image from the hypnosis onto massage T. It is really really yucky!

I haven't said anything to massage T. I know massage T will support me in any way she can. I also know she will be deeply hurt, saddened, and angry over the little ones experience. She will rant and most likely cry which is OK with me. It just makes me feel SO nasty I am not sure I could let her touch me after I told her.

Ugh... YUCK!