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This. Every word.
I was put on medication for the first time when I was hospitalized. At that point, it was justified. The psychosis had infected every part of my life, and I was in danger of doing serious harm to myself, property and others. I had already self-injured (cutting, burning, banging) on her command, and was breaking out into fits of rage - that, in reality, were more frustration and the result of building emotional pressure caused by near constant command hallucinations - that would end with me kicking/punching/throwing myself up against walls until I was bruised. My moods were also incredibly unstable, as I had no frustration tolerance. In the three days before being admitted, I finally broke down; I was barely even leaving my bed, and I was so engrossed in the delusional world of my psychosis that very few things I thought and said were rational. I had a pretty detailed plan for suicide. I knew I needed medicinal help, and sought it out.
I was put on Zyprexa and Lithium (I am diagnosed Schizoaffective, so there is also Bipolar mood symptoms); later, Zyprexa would be swapped for Serequel, Paxil added to the mix, and other hospitalizations upping the dosages. My symptoms did improve, in that the delusions lifted; however, in terms of paranoia, hallucinations and emotional regulation and stability, it was primarily just sedating. I could feel all those same emotions and impulses, just below the surface; but they couldn't rise above the waves, if that makes sense. It was like walking through cotton. I don't regret it, per say - it helped me gain back control of my life; but, ultimately, it was not good for the long-term. I was/am lucky enough to have a psychiatrist that not only supported me in medication cessation; but was the one to suggest it.
I was initially reluctant to so much as lower the dosage; however, once I started, I couldn't imagine staying on it. A fog just lifted. The world became more focused, my sense of humor returned, I became social again, I had focus and my passion for things returned. At this point, I am off everything, which may or may not be right for you (I can, if needed, take something; but I have not yet). I have had symptoms return - mood and psychotic - but I have learned to respond in healthy ways. Though it may sound contradictory, I feel more "sane" now than ever. I went into this ordeal feeling out of control, and now, for the first time in years, I feel in control. And that, not the presence (or lack of presence) of symptoms, has made all the difference.
It's important to talk to your doctor about how you feel. His concerns are valid; but, from the sound of it, you are rational, thinking clearly and have come a long way in terms of knowing how to respond to your anger. This should show through your discussions with him. He will likely always be reluctant - the standard of care in the treatment of Schizophrenia and psychosis is an anti-psychotic; but it seems, at this point, the drugs seem to be doing more harm than good on your functioning. In the end, this is your decision. You know your limits, and you know what you can handle. If medication cessation, or even dosage lowering, is something you feel is right for you, it may help convince your doctor if you collaborate with him to create a plan and insert safeguards. Track/record your symptoms, check in with him more frequently or increase the amount of appointments, agree to raise the dosage if things go wrong, keep a medication as a PRN just in case, pick a couple friends or family members to give an objective opinion about how they see you acting, make a list of coping skills, etc. This should help ease your doctor's anxiety, and make the process smoother.
We, those who cope without medication, are out there. Some of us fail and go back on them. Many of us, however, stay off them, and turn out OK. It's up to you. The option IS there, though.
Erika
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“It’s true, we’re all a little insane.” – Sweet Sacrifice, Evanescence
((I'm only a PM away if you ever need me))
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