Briefly, I have been married for 16 years, but have never viewed sex as an expression of love or a form of intimacy. I have always viewed it as a marital duty. Most likely because of CSA and shame and some probably from a lack of boundaries in my marriage in that area that led to some traumatizing incidents.
My T wants me to start working on accepting my sexuality and being more open to sexual feelings. I have never responded to my husband physically, the only person I ever responded to in that way was my father when he was abusing me. I learned years ago to shut off those feelings and I'm not sure that I want to turn them back on again.
My T brought up in my session on Friday about the way I dress. Always baggy, too big clothes to shield my body. Partly as a form of self-protection, but mostly because I don't want anyone to have sexual thoughts about me. I know I have written in this forum about wanting to be asexual and destroy all the sexual parts of my body. My T thinks that if I start to accept my sexuality, then I will be able to turn down those thoughts.
I'm not sure if that is the answer though. And if that is the answer, I don't know where to begin. He thought the way I dressed would be a good starting place, but even that seems like a huge step. He has brought up masturbation and being open to consensual sex with my husband - I know that is way too big a leap from the point that I'm at now.
I understand my views of sex and sexuality are skewed from the norm, but is that something that needs to be fixed? Is there anything wrong with performing sexual acts purely for my husband's benefit and hiding my body behind layers of clothes?