i failed, i toatly failed. Its been a "long week"(evey week is a long one though). "I" last night, told myself "i "would not do it (i posted a thread of a promise). I had a great time watching live music( in uk there were alot of usa artists, it was good) ,i watched a film, took my meds.........then where was i, i was alone(being alone does not bother me, to much), trying to sleep, trying desparately not to cut myself, but i did.. "I" hate myslf for doing it, but at same time "i do not" hate myself. I slept like a baby, a good 11 hrs at least. Upon waking i could feel the pain of cutting, i could feel dry blood upon myself, i can feel the swelling. I run to the bathroom to wash and disinfect myself. Its a failure and a sucess at the same time. I've never posted a promise to do something, to never cut myself again. To fail is to suceed, to win is to lose. From this i learn more(again about myself), i learn that simply saying to ones self " i will never cut myself again ", is a bold statement. I have to somehow, i wiil do, find the root cause. Maybe its like i've always thought, " its an addiction ". I slept so well cause i did it. Like my meds, cutting maybe with me forever, maybe not. I must be proper messed up. I know i'm messed up, but at least i know that i'm messed up. To be aware surely is to find the cure. sanada. x