trigger icon for mention of SI..

this is about some seemingly unrelated topics, but really it is all related. It is all the process I'm going through of putting myself back together after being torn apart in this rupture with T.

I've been spending some time each day reaching down inside and envisioning myself being the mother to the little-zoo inside me. Does that make sense? I have this little-zoo, this scared, sad, hurt little girl. She is so afraid of being alone. She is tired of being held for a while and then dropped again.

I picture myself as I am now reaching down and picking her up. I hold her and I rock her and I tell her that I promise I won't ever leave her, I won't ever drop her, I won't ever stop loving her. Ever ever ever. It is incredibly soothing.

I noticed that when I self harm I have a harder time finding that little girl, a harder time connecting with her. That is going a long way toward helping me want to stop cutting.

Along with that I have obviously been thinking a lot about therapy and about this rupture with my T. I had a moment of clarity where I realized that there is not a "right" or "wrong" thing for me to do at this point. I can make a decision and make the best of it without worrying that it was the wrong choice. And that by doing that I empower myself to know that I can make good decisons.

After a couple of days of mulling that over I sent my T an email. It was short. It basically said that I don't think there is a way to come back from this kind of rupture, that I opened myself up to her and in doing so I taught her the best ways to hurt me, trusting that she woudn't. And then she did. If I trusted her again I would be a fool. I finished by saying I need to just be done, and so I am.

What is surprising in all this is how I almost immediately felt lighter and filled with energy when I sent that email. I am a little on edge, fearing a reply from her, but I actually don't think she will reply. I hope she doesn't. I just want to be done. I just want to heal from this. I just don't want to get hurt any more.