I've been spending some time each day reaching down inside and envisioning myself being the mother to the little-zoo inside me. Does that make sense? I have this little-zoo, this scared, sad, hurt little girl. She is so afraid of being alone. She is tired of being held for a while and then dropped again.

I picture myself as I am now reaching down and picking her up. I hold her and I rock her and I tell her that I promise I won't ever leave her, I won't ever drop her, I won't ever stop loving her. Ever ever ever. It is incredibly soothing.

I noticed that when I self harm I have a harder time finding that little girl, a harder time connecting with her. That is going a long way toward helping me want to stop cutting. I love this! YOu are protecting little zoo and healing yourself so that you CAN help little zoo......

Along with that I have obviously been thinking a lot about therapy and about this rupture with my T. I had a moment of clarity where I realized that there is not a "right" or "wrong" thing for me to do at this point. I can make a decision and make the best of it without worrying that it was the wrong choice. And that by doing that I empower myself to know that I can make good decisons. I love this too......empowering yourself to make good decisions........

After a couple of days of mulling that over I sent my T an email. It was short. It basically said that I don't think there is a way to come back from this kind of rupture, that I opened myself up to her and in doing so I taught her the best ways to hurt me, trusting that she woudn't. And then she did. If I trusted her again I would be a fool. I finished by saying I need to just be done, and so I am.

What is surprising in all this is how I almost immediately felt lighter and filled with energy when I sent that email. I am a little on edge, fearing a reply from her, but I actually don't think she will reply. I hope she doesn't. I just want to be done. I just want to heal from this. I just don't want to get hurt any more.

oh, yeah. I don't think I am done with therapy, and I hope someday I can find another T. I also don't discount all the ways my T did help me in 2.5 years of seeing her, and how much progress I have made in that time.

All my life I've just clung to whatever came along. It was that way with T, too. I was told to go to DBT and given this appointment to do an intake with T, and that's how it started. And T did a good job of giving me something to hold onto during some of the worst months of my life.

I just think maybe now I'm starting to be ready to make my own path and not cling like a drowning person to whatever floats past. I am not so close to death, I am not on the verge of drowning. I can stand up and realize the water isn't even over my head. I can stand and just breathe.