I have read so many threads on here and have also received what I know is really good advice from people, but still I have this blockage to it all. I KNOW I should be more open with my T, I KNOW I should explore medication, blah, blah, blah. But I can't

When I think about either, I can feel my anxiety levels starting to soar, then comes the negative thoughts, then the self destructive ones and I feel like I will never escape.

I am about to have to face some life changing events and know this is going to be a tough time for me. It was really the main reason I sought therapy. I have always had some symptoms, but have somehow muddled along. But I have recently divorced and the prospect of my ex demanding my children for half of the week was too awful to contemplate and I gave myself permission to consider more destructive coping mechanisms if I needed to - I am completely safe right now but I am scared of not being able to cope, I have held it together for so long. I wrote this to my T as I was worried that I would not be able to ask for help if I needed it.

I always "carry" my T with me on my shoulder, he's been there with me everyday to sooth me and help me through, but now he is starting to look unfamiliar, like the bad guy, yet I know he isn't it. I am also getting cross with myself for not being more open with my T and I feel that he may be getting bored and fed up with me. So I have decided to push myself and give myself 4-8 weeks to make some significant steps forward in being open or quit the T.

I don't know why I am so scared of going to my doctor, I really do start to panic when I contemplate it. Instead I have started to take some St Johns Wort, hoping that may help me. I haven't told my T that yet, I am scared of telling him. Rational me tells me not to be so silly and of course to tell him, but I don't know if I can.

I wish I knew how to do "therapy". Is it this hard for everyone?