Thank you all so much for your replies. There is so much here I want to respond to, but first:

I am trying to hold on to that feeling that I can stand on my own, that I can breathe.

I confess, though, that something is holding me back from cancelling my ride to t on Monday. I'm not sure what it is, but I guess part of me hopes to hear something from T, something that will help, will fix this all, will make me want to see her.

I'm just such a mess of conflicting emotions. Is that OK?