I do want to avoid this relapse... this is crazy. My average caloric intake for the past week is 329 - last time I took half a year to get down to 300-600. It's been a month and I've lost 15 lbs - 2 lbs until I'm at an 'anorexic weight', yay . WHY CAN'T I %#@&#! TELL??? I hate this, this ridiculous fear of calories, of being busted. I just want to be able to eat a %#@&#!... anything! ...without the guilt, regret, fear, panik, consequences.

I wasn't diagnosed 2 years ago because I, myself, was in denial, and because my doctor was a complete moron. After attaining a 'healthy' weight, I looked up the criteria in the DSM-V(?), and fit all 4 - so I'm self-diagnosed. The last time I was at my doctor's (last year), she had her nurse person weight me - with my 7 lbs of clothes/water, and she rounded up - I was 121 (the healthy/underweight line), 130 was documented.

I went to the medi-centre yesterday to see if I could get out of school... Well that was pointless. He prescribed me Ensure(!?!); if my insurance covered it I may have tasted it. He said that, in his opinion, I should go to school because I might be distracted there. Right. Distracted by all the tiny people, the 3 flights of stairs, the running/biking to get to/from there,the guilt of lying/manipulating/deceiving/bull-shitting, the avoidance of my home so I can lie about having (not) eaten, the stress of being so far behind and unable to concentrate, etc. Whatever. It's probably good for my metabolism. I have to write a paper by Tuesday, an exam on Wednesday, and a video in which I am to demonstrate my skills of therapeutic communication for next week. God.

I am afraid to eat. I feel like %#@&#!. Fat as hell. I don't want to go to school and am currently looking into dropping out. My fingers are fat. I should take a shower, but it's so triggering to see all the fat - I don't even change clothes when I go to bed - just take off the outer layer. This %#@&#! sucks.

The words 'It sounds almost like you have an eating disorder' left my mother's mouth yesterday... Damn, I'm so good at manipulating people.

I am empty. I am clean and pure. I am on the right track.

I am fat as hell. I am undeserving and selfish and cruel. I deserve to waste away; I am doing the world a favor.

Bah.

Sorry for ranting, wasting space:\.