nothing on but the radio February 5, 2006

I really hate when I'm just laying there in my bed and I'm thinking things. Just thinking. I get so deep in this thought the thoughts in my head don't stay there. Everything said in my head is said outside my head and it's like that for a few seconds, and then it stops, and I continue to think inside my head. Just completely random words are outside my head, then I'm thinking back in my head again. It happened last night. That isn't the first time it's happened, it happens every so often. I remember one time I was thinking something and then for some reason I kept thinking my name over and over again. Then this loud voice said my name two times outside my head, and went back into my head. It scared me, like, me almost jumping out my bed kind of scare. I couldn't really fall asleep after that.

Been listening to a lot of Gary Allen lately. He's a good country singer. I could listen to him all day. Especially, "Smoke Rings in the Dark," I could listen to just that song all day. In fact, I have. I need to go in the car and find the CD of him we have, I know we have it, because I've seen it. But if I go looking for it, I won't find it. That gets annoying.

I hate looking at my room because it's not clean anymore, but I don't want to clean it. Those moods are annoying. The, yeah-this-is dirty-and-I-hate-it-but-I-really-just-don't want-to-do-anything-today mood. Which will screw me over today because I have English homework that has to be typed, so I can't write it up three minutes before class.

^ That is my friend I met online, we're hung up on fantasy about getting away from these lives and making things better then the now which distorts our future.

Advice was given, but not through what may be happening to her, no delusions, yet. I hear her voice before falling asleep now. I usually break the %#@&#! down in tears about it.

How does a high school dropout and someone like that make it in this world with problems such as? Is it too much to put aside this horrid past and hope for more?

Most of you think this alot as so do I. Why me? Why not someone who deserves it.