|
Thank you Lee and Open Eyes for your comments….and I couldn’t agree with you more. We talked about not only her getting help, but myself as well….if even to only help both the kids through this. I’ve suggested Al-Anon, but my daughter feels as though right now she would be more comfortable with individual therapy. As long as it’s some kind of counseling. I offered to go with her, especially since my ex’s alcoholism still affects me when it affects the kids and I listen to them vent. It might take a little while to get my son to agree to go. It broke my heart to hear my daughter keep apologizing to me a few nights in a row for “bothering” me by calling every night to talk about her father and his latest DUI fiasco, the arguments, verbal abuse and the “what happens now” questions. She felt that I shouldn’t have to listen to it since her father and I are divorced. I can only keep reminding her how much I love her and that she could always talk to me about anything. Having been through the wringer with her father and ongoing issues with my mother (72) admitting her own alcohol problem, she at least knows I can relate.
She has done a great job though of distancing herself whenever her father is intoxicated or belligerent, and will not buy him alcohol. Her guilt lately of course comes from her father’s continued manipulations by crying or remaining drunk for 8-10 days. His DUI is recent (although still on probation for his 2nd from two years ago), so treatment has not been ordered by the court yet. As is stands, he will have a mandatory year in prison for this current DUI. We are unsure of whether or not he still has a job, but it isn’t likely. His history of calling out sick over the past six months (almost every other week) for days led to him calling out (we think) since he was charged two weeks ago. He sobered up enough today to tell her he was putting his house on the market. She obviously can always come and live with me again, but he has mentioned that if she could find roommates to help pay the mortgage, he might not have to. Again, also not her responsibility. She feels bad for what the consequences of his DUI will bring, but there is nothing she can really do. It doesn’t help that he keeps telling her (since she is the only one that stays there) that he has no one except her. Note, he has parents and a sister. My son wants nothing to do with his problems.
We’ve had long discussions about when/if her father hits bottom or finally decides to complete any type of rehab, and she is well aware that most likely, he will only continue to drink. Even with this one “sober” day….it’s a matter of time (a few days max) before he begins a fresh binge. Discussions about enabling are daily, and she is aware of the trap so many of us fall into with that….hopefully that will make a difference.
The other night I did ask her if she wanted me to call her father to talk to him (even though I haven’t spoken to him in two years). She first said she did, then said not to call (I’m pretty sure because she didn’t want to bother me about it). I did let her know that my conversation to him would be to recommend he get into detox immediately, and to leave my daughter out of his drama. So far she hasn’t mentioned it again. I’m a little stuck on that one. What are others thoughts on my trying to set him straight in telling him he isn’t being fair to our daughter at all?
I really appreciate the input and apologize if I missed any points. It still is so hard (and embarrassing) to try and ask friends, etc. about the situation, so being able to post and vent is great. I don’t even bring my ex’s name up to my mother any longer because it causes arguments. She still loves him and thinks he is wonderful (regardless of all of the garbage and trauma he has caused), and writes his issues off as “that’s a shame” (can’t you love it, lol).
Pixie
|