Sometimes I feel like I want my T to punish me. I emailed her that I was sorry about finding information about her parents (in the early weeks of therapy) and that I wanted her to punish me. It came up because, in my email a few days ago I mentioned their name for something (not going to explain but it has to do with my T, not me). I apologized to her at the time I looked them up, but I did again in the email I just wrote.

I said that I was bad and wanted to be punished. I didn't tell her but I suppose I will, that the feelings get mixed up with wanting to be spanked, and that spanking will feel good. It's confusing. Of course there's the stuff with my brother, so it could be that I feel I'm bad because of that, and want to be punished for that too. Plus feeling bad about all of my physical/sexual feelings.

I was a "good" girl and I don't think my parents ever had to punish me, but I know my brother was always being threatened by my Mom that he was going to "get the strap" when my Dad came home. Before anyone jumps on that statement, when my brother and I were growing up, it was common for parents to hit their kids, and wasn't considered the "sin" it is today.

So, maybe I equate being spanked and being punished with being loved? It's really partly a fantasy; I don't REALLY want my T to spank me.

Does anyone relate to these kinds of feelings?