I relate in a way, to wanting T to punish me, not to hit me, but to firmly deal with me, to hurt me with words, to confirm for me I was bad and wrong. SHe was/is very aware of this transference I have, it comes from my childhood when I was punished often and severely and so I expect it when I make mistakes or do or say something wrong. So I pushed and pushed against the boundaries trying to get T to punish me, to see if she would, to see if she would hurt me, or if she would at least discipline me and give consequences. I wanted too to see where the boundaries were.....and now I know where they are and that they are there to stay!
Well, in a sense, losing the hugs felt like I accomplished that........that she hurt me, punished me. Only in talking about it, that isn't the case, not on her part. I may have experienced it that way at first because of my patterns, yet her intent was to clarify and firm up the boundaries and make them very clear and definite, no punishment, but yet the boundary setting a parent might do. ANd that a T HAS to do for the protection and the good of both client and T.......
I would say that perhaps you have a parental transference ? to iron out here, and that maybe you do really want T to come down definitely with clearer and firmer boundary setting! You maybe feel like you did do something wrong and want T to tell you that or confirm that for you too.....maybe you want to absolve a certain guilt attached to it. Maybe all T will do is graciously accept your apology......
SOrry this is such a long answer.....