Ok guys a little background first. A couple months ago I was very depressed, dealing with suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and panic attacks.

I know therapy is working because I can feel my anxiety lifting I usually feel powerful after a session like I can do anything. I am finding ways to deal with situations, I find myself thinking of her advice and following through with it. My life is definitely changing for the better. It's this whole changing process that is hard. I keep going back and forth with negative thinking and using therapy skills to cope. Then those feelings slowly dissipate and I am left being the same scared little girl, afraid to make a move until my next therapy session.

She is a great T, I have told her about my sexual feelings for her she said she is ok with me using her as a vehicle toward recovery. LOL When I am in therapy I only see her as a therapist, a professional, it's in between the sessions the fantasies begin, and the concern of what she will think of me. She is very on task, which I appreciate. I have no doubts about her skills as a psychologist. I do worry all of the time that she is going to tell me she cannot help me anymore that I will have to find a new T. I brought this up in our last session, but she would not validate it, I just need to hear her say she can continue to work with me. Ouch! I feel comfortable talking to her about everything, but this.... I am so worried about becoming that "annoying" client, the one she sighs about as I walk in the door. I have thought what if I were to find a new T, but I think it would be a repeat of this one, and who wants to start over again. I would really like to work this through.

My issue is therapy itself. This has created a whole new level of anxiety. I am always ruminating over each session and how to talk about the next issue. It does not stop, even if I reach a decision I replay the "to be" scene over and over again. Like I need to be prepared. I need to anticipate what she may say, and what my response will be. I think right now worrying about therapy is one of the things holding me back from making more progress. This is very distracting to the progress I have made. I also believe this obsessive thinking is what landed me in therapy. The inability to leave a thought alone and focus on the task at hand. Always in my head, never fully present. I am so stressed about the next session I cannot even meditate, which is even more frustrating.

Our last session I told her I have obsessive thoughts of therapy, I am worried she thought I was obsessing over her. She asked me to document every time I think and feel anxious and we will talk next time. Ugh I think this whole self exploration is what is exhausting. I have thought of asking for more sessions so there is not so much time between sessions to ruminate. I have hinted at this with her but she did not pick up on it. I am afraid to ask, afraid she will tell me no. I know I have a lot more work to do. I am not ready to be on my own yet. But I need to get past the roadblock of "therapy" to make more progress.

I have thought of leaving therapy so I wouldn't have the anxiety of therapy anymore. But I think this would be counterproductive. Since I am going to deal with anxious thoughts.... It's actually the reason I quit going to therapy last time. When I first left I felt awesome like I could do anything, but those old habits and feelings came back. Probably because I left too soon to deal with them.

So has anyone else had the same issues and how did you deal with them? How do you get past therapy to work on therapy? Yeah I guess I am always wondering if I am "doing it right". I have thought of printing out this post and giving it to her, and that creates a whole new level of anxiety.

Sorry for this being so long. Any tips would definitely be appreciated.