Ok guys a little background first. A couple months ago I was very depressed, dealing with suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and panic attacks.

I know therapy is working because I can feel my anxiety lifting I usually feel powerful after a session like I can do anything. I am finding ways to deal with situations, I find myself thinking of her advice and following through with it.

My life is definitely changing for the better. It's this whole changing process that is hard. I keep going back and forth with negative thinking and using therapy skills to cope. Then those feelings slowly dissipate and I am left being the same scared little girl, afraid to make a move until my next therapy session.

She is a great T, I have told her about my sexual feelings for her she said she is ok with me using her as a vehicle toward recovery. LOL When I am in therapy I only see her as a therapist, a professional, it's in between the sessions the fantasies begin, and the concern of what she will think of me. Yes, been there done that. If you haven't read my thread, "OMG! I can't believe I confessed that to her" it may be helpful (and humorous) for you to read.

She is very on task, which I appreciate. I have no doubts about her skills as a psychologist. I do worry all of the time that she is going to tell me she cannot help me anymore that I will have to find a new T. I brought this up in our last session, but she would not validate it, I just need to hear her say she can continue to work with me. I fear termination all the time. Fear that I will say something to upset her, or do something that will make her mad. I also need to hear her validate that she is not going to terminate me. We do email, so I have it in past emails. I can go back and read her words. That can be comforting. But I still don't believe it.

Ouch! I feel comfortable talking to her about everything, but this.... I am so worried about becoming that "annoying" client, the one she sighs about as I walk in the door. I have thought what if I were to find a new T, but I think it would be a repeat of this one, and who wants to start over again. I would really like to work this through.What makes you think you are annoying?

My issue is therapy itself. This has created a whole new level of anxiety. I am always ruminating over each session and how to talk about the next issue. It does not stop, even if I reach a decision I replay the "to be" scene over and over again. I have often said that we need a therapy 'coach' just to be in therapy!! It is the hardest thing to go through. Much harder than I would ever have anticipated.

Like I need to be prepared. I need to anticipate what she may say, and what my response will be. I think right now worrying about therapy is one of the things holding me back from making more progress. This is very distracting to the progress I have made. I also believe this obsessive thinking is what landed me in therapy. I feel the same way. I spend WAY TOO MUCH TIME worrying myself sick between sessions. I journal a lot, so that gets out some of the emotions. But, my anxiety is 100 times worse since beginning therapy. Often times I feel like I am worse now than when I started. I cannot stop thinking about therapy!!

The inability to leave a thought alone and focus on the task at hand. Always in my head, never fully present. I am so stressed about the next session I cannot even meditate, which is even more frustrating. This is common with many of us. I wish I knew how to stop it, but I don't.

Our last session I told her I have obsessive thoughts of therapy, I am worried she thought I was obsessing over her. She asked me to document every time I think and feel anxious and we will talk next time. Ugh I think this whole self exploration is what is exhausting. That would be like every 10 minutes for me!

I have thought of asking for more sessions so there is not so much time between sessions to ruminate. I have hinted at this with her but she did not pick up on it. I am afraid to ask, afraid she will tell me no. I know I have a lot more work to do. I am not ready to be on my own yet. But I need to get past the roadblock of "therapy" to make more progress. I am in quick sand and sinking fast. Stuck? Drowning? Yes, that is where I am and I cannot get out. It seems they don't throw you a life raft, they just watch you struggle to get yourself out!

I have thought of leaving therapy so I wouldn't have the anxiety of therapy anymore. But I think this would be counterproductive. Since I am going to deal with anxious thoughts.... It's actually the reason I quit going to therapy last time. When I first left I felt awesome like I could do anything, but those old habits and feelings came back. Probably because I left too soon to deal with them. Leaving therapy? That thought comes to mind constantly. Like you, I feel like the anxiety would leave if I just stopped going. But, it won't. If I stop therapy at this point, I will worry myself sick that I did the wrong thing. Either way, I feel like I am going to be stressed out. At least if I stay in therapy, there is hope to get better. If I quit, I think I am hopeless.

So has anyone else had the same issues and how did you deal with them? How do you get past therapy to work on therapy? Yeah I guess I am always wondering if I am "doing it right". I have thought of printing out this post and giving it to her, and that creates a whole new level of anxiety. I often question if I am doing it right. My therapist tells me that there is no certain way to do therapy. There is no right or wrong. That is the beauty of therapy. You are in control of your sessions.

I am not sure I like that. I would rather have some kind of workbook or something to help me get through this!

Sorry for this being so long. Any tips would definitely be appreciated.