This probably isn't the right spot to put these thoughts, but because they're coming about as a result of one of my classes, I'm putting them here anyway.

The semester, I'm taking a class called "Fit for Life". It's half lecture, half exercise. This class is one of two that fulfills--I'm not actually sure what the requirement is. All I know is every student has to take either this class or a health class that doesn't involve exercise.

The lecture portion of the class doesn't worry me. My instructor is dry and comes across as not really knowing what he's talking about, but that's okay because the book is pretty comprehensive, and he's an old track-and-field coach besides. The exercise part though...

Logically, I know I'm not competing against anyone besides myself, but I can't help be be self-conscious about my weight and lack of athletic abilities. I'm easily the heaviest person in the class, and when we did the health-assessments last time, I was aware of how poorly I did compared to the other students in the class.

Logically, I know this is an unfair comparison. No, I'm not going to be able to compete with the 19 year old who played soccer for four years in high school--and I'm not expected to. The point is for my times and numbers to be better at the end of the class than they were at the beginning. Still, part of me can't help but feel like it was a mistake to take this class and not the health version, where I would have just gone to lectures.

The really stupid part is that I'm wanting to become more fit. I'm trying not to think about the weight--I figure if I focus on being more healthy, the weight will come off. I've been working on this since before the class started, and part of the reason I chose to take this class instead of health was for the extra help it would give me in my goals.

I'm not really looking for feedback, I just need to get this off my chest. Part of it is I'm worried about class tomorrow--not only do I have a test, we have a mile and a half run. I know I'm going to be the very last person to finish (except for maybe the girl on crutches, but I don't think she's expected to do it) and the depression is telling me that I shouldn't even try.

The not-crazy part of my brain is reminding me that if I don't do the run tomorrow, I won't have anything to compare to at the end of the class--and I'll lose points for that. It's also reminding me that the class after FFL has been canceled, so I can take the time that I need. (although if I can't do a mile and a half over a flat, obstical-free course in an hour, I'm in much worse shape than I thought), I know it's not a race, and I know it doesn't matter if I'm the last one done. Except, I don't. And I don't want to go--even though both the crazy and not-crazy part of my brain agrees that I can't afford not to.