I've been dealing with anxiety and mental illness for several years now, and it has just occurred to me this morning after reading something that social anxiety is a humongous problem for me. After reading the wiki article I feel like I could have written it about me. Then I scored a 43 on the online test and it said that I was very SEVERE.

How do you have something to a "t" like that and not know about it until now???

I work in a situation where everything rides on my skills, decisions, and actions. People are contstantly watching me and looking to me for answers. I think I avoided beginning my career for almost 4 years out of fear of being less than perfect, making a mistake, or being criticized or thought of as "less than adequate". Now I am facing it but I work with some freaking harsh people that thrive on criticizing other people. It's like the worse place a person with social anxiety could work. They are not very supportive and will laugh at me as quickly as they will encourage me. I feel that people are upset with me but I don't understand why. I feel rushed bc they tell me I am so slow, but that's the only way I can function and feel like I won't make a mistake. They say that they are "joking around" all the time, but the things they say bother me and I don't find it entertaining to feel that way. I don't feel like I am overly sensitive to them as I have worked with other people and other situations and I have never been around a group of people that thrive on the criticicm of others SO MUCH. I realize that this is their problem, not mine, but the social anxiety is not allowing me to deal with it as such and it is affecting me.

Anyway, I have something called Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome and I have episodes that keep me out of work sometimes. That is also a reason for them to criticize me and talk about me (which I am sure they are doing). Before, I would never take off work unless I was actively vomiting. I would still go even if I was nauseous and felt sick bc I wanted to feel in control and try to overcome it. I have only just begun to admit this to myself, but I have been using the nausea as an excuse to stay home from work in an effort to avoid the anxiety that work is causing me. They more I stay home, the more I am afraid to go to work the next day. It is feeding on itself.

They job would be great if I could just wipe out all the employees and start fresh with about 5 new, professional, ethical, and somewhat educated adults.... but that's not an option.

I used to see a pdoc for issues before I moved. None of them here will take my insurance so I have been determined to handle things on my own for the past 6 months. I'm beginning to think that I will have to see one anyway. I heard this is really hard to overcome without help.

I am a very strong person and can do a lot on my own, but I'm not sure where I should start drawing the line these days. Things seem worse.

I must work to survive as my hubby is out of a job now. I feel so pressured and I am avoiding, I know... How do I break the cycle? I panic attack every time I think I will decide to suck it up and go to work....