**** Possible Trigger - CSA mentioned briefly ***

I have been in such a funk lately. I've been lurking on the board, but haven't gained the energy to post. I feel badly that I haven't been supportive or have been keeping myself involved - as I know it's what's good for me and what I need. I feel myself just drifting away, isolating myself....

Last week, I felt such intense sadness. My daughter is 9 years old, and I was making connections between her childhood and mine. Hers is nothing like mine, thankfully....But, it brought back memories of some really difficult times.

So, during my session with T last Thursday, we addressed the sadness. I tried to let T be my "brain" so I could allow my body to talk. It's soo soo sooooo hard for me to do that because I am so cerebral and so disconnected from my body and my feelings.

I shared with T another layer of CSA from my childhood during that session. And about the fear and guardedness that I felt as a child in my neighborhood. I just felt so so so sad....

At the end of the session, he felt SO FAR away from me....That night, T left me a voicemail to check in to see how I was doing, as he knew that I went further than I would normally.

That night and the following day, I was doing TERRIBLY. Anxious, sad, etc. I dreamed of different ways I could end my life (just thoughts, I don't want to die.)...and then I remembered how far away T felt...and I felt SO DISGUSTING - like NO WONDER he's so far away, no one would want to be close to me. ACK...

I emailed T....and he suggested that I come in for a session earlier than this Thursday. So, it's today.

Well, a couple days passed where I was able to stuff away all those big feelings..and now I don't want to see T. I don't want to face him. I feel so embarrassed and HATE feeling vulnerable....I regret making the appt today....but if I don't go, it will cost me 3x the amount for the session.

Why does therapy have to be so hard???