Dexter,

There is so much of this that I absolutly relate to and have experienced or am experiening currently.
As far as my relationships go, years ago at 21 I really thought I was in a relationship, only two years of this dysfunctional mess, I now realize that I have never had a true relationship with any guy. He didn't
want to work so I was just a meal ticket, yes I loved him and gave up everything for him, he never said that he loved me, I guess I didn't want to believe that this was indeed true, he only cared about money. He was mentally and physically abusive, and that was over 10years ago. I found out really fast there were no domestic abuse centers near or at all even acknowledged domestic abuse among two men. So I just kept it in. In 1994 I escaped and enterd the hospital at a city nearby.

After that my trust was gone and still working to get it back today. Because of all of this I really do not as well feel that I am capable of love on a romantic lever. I even have problems on trust with friendships which I really don't have here in the city. They call once in a while, and there are times I feel so awful, when I go to the answering machine, and I already know the little red light is not flashing just another reminder that no one has even cared to call.

Im sorry as you said you felt the being "needy" was a barier, it is for me too. I really dont intend to be so self absorbed, but I haven't had human contact for two days, and that was my T who comes here because it is her job and shes getting paid.

Finally my point, when you said "although I have often been alone, many times by choice, I have never before been lonley and the lonliness is excrutiating for me. " I cried when I read those words, not feeling sorry you but, those words just "hit home" and I realized that is exactly how I feel, alone not by choice, only lonlienss I have never experienced.

Hang in there, I want to say it will all get better, but hell I cant even tell that to myself. I'm sorry if I said the wrong things, I guess I didn't have advice just a person who understands

Take care of yourself

KRIS


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