Esthersvirtue,

If you need to talk to her, and it sounds like you do, take her up on her offer. Maybe she doesn't realize the intensity of your pain right now. It is her job to help you through this crisis. If she doesn't want to work with suicidial thoughts and feelings, she should let you know that. She has chosen this profession and I am sure she has procedures she follows for these kinds of situations. There is a reason we see these professionals. We need to be able to count on them when we need them.

Now that I've finished ranting, let me say that I understand how it feels to come to that brink and start to fall off. IMHO I think you should pursue the appointment and not hold back your feelings one bit. Sometimes I have been afraid to let my T know how intense my feelings have been. I don't know if other people ever cushion their feelings because the words sound so scary. If after meeting with your T you don't feel better, look for someone else. Use the hotlines while you are finding the right person. I have worked with Ts who just didn't seem to understand the powerful feelings I have. I felt disappointed and hurt. I now have the most compassionate T in the entire world, I am convinced. He has taken many late night/early morning phone calls and has made several emergency appointments for me over the past couple years. I could never ask him to do all that he has. I tell you this to give you hope that someone will care about you and how you feel. Someone will make sure you get the help you need. Please, please take care of yourself while you are working to get someone to help you. Someone will notice your pain and validate it. It always seems to get worse before it gets better. But that doesn't mean the worse doesn't scare us completely. You are valuable and worthy of the help. Please hang in there!! And if you need to go to the hospital, do so. I know it takes more courage than you may feel you have, but you are so important that you must take care of yourself while you are hurting like this.

I will be thinking of you! Please let me know how you are doing. If you want to share your feelings here, do so. We are here for you!!