I wasn't going to post or say anything as I feel this is sort of my own personal let down, but I think it's necessary in some way to have.. a wider varitey of adivce/opinions.

Today, a few hours ago, on my secondary e-mail I seen my ex was online. I hadn't gone looking for him, I had a legitimate reason to be on, he just so happened to have not been deleted from that particular address. However, upon seeing this I remembered that he had told my ex best friend, one who harasses me, and the one who he cheated on me with, about my anxiety when she comes around. I found this out, because she came to attack me with it. I got mad and got emotional.

I went to talk to him, but timed out and took a moment to calm down. Or at least tried.. About 10 minutes later, I was still emotional, shaking, and I just needed to get it out. So I started the over exaggerated sarcasm about my own anxiety, making it seem like a joke; letting him know in the fashion that I feel was less stressful than raging. I was going to poke fun at him, because he was fool enough to believe the "lie" that the exfriend gave me anxiety.

The thing about this guy is that he goes along with it, and it becomes a contest to use sarcasm and jokingly yet almost seriously put each other down. Is it healthy? I don't know, it probably isn't, but the teasing, sarcastic remarks don't hurt me and in some horrible way it gets fun. Every sarcastic, witty, irritating remark has some exaggerated truth in it on my part at least, so it's easy to let out feelings when you wanna lash out but don't want to get into a full blown argument. It's probably the same on his side, or perhaps its all lies and just a game or all truths and he's trying to hurt me but who knows?

The only thing though is I wonder why I do this. I self reflected but I don't understand my behaviour this time. The way I acted was no different than the exfriend who I complain about, except I don't dig for info, and I don't feel like I'm trying to ruin his life, or I'm trying to lash out to particularly hurt anyone. I was freaking out and at the time it felt like the best way to relax.. it wasn't of course, and I know it wasn't JUST wanting to relax.. but I can't be my own therapist this time. I thought I was over it, the time between talking and thinking about it is getting longer and longer.. but it all seems to change when they're sitting right in front of you.