i've been trying really hard lately. . . to put my life together, to be stronger, to be the person that someone would find worth loving. its just all falling apart around me, and i cant pick up the pieces. i cant be the person that the one i'm with wants me to be. i cant leave the past behind. i cant betouched without remembering the pain, held without feeling them hold me down, made love to without feeling every moment that i was violated, seeing it over and over in my head until i'm blind to everything else around me. i just dont know how to fix me and i think maybe i cant be fixed. the only person in the world i want to be with cant love me this way, and as hard as i try to leave the past behind, it wont let me. the anxiety is always there, watching over my shoulder, creeping up on me when i'm alone or in the dark or in a room full of men. i sleep and the men who hurt me are in my nightmares and so i dont sleep and then i'm awake and alone and all i can do is remember. i dont want to be broken anymore, but what if all this effort is for nothing? what if there is no end to this for me? what then? i just want to cry and scream and rip my hair out because i cant be the person that the people in my life want me to be and its like i'm being punished for this, and it hurts so much, to watch everyone you ever care about walk away from you because they just cant take you that way. i just want to have a normal life. thats all. i dont know if i'm even making any sense right now. i just keep panicking and the more i try to pull myslef together, the more i fall apart.