Hey guys,

Ok well I don’t normally talk on here or post but I have quite a lot going through my head right now id like to get out.

I do not wish this post to cause offense I do not wish this post to give methods I am going to talk about oding I will talk about pills but I will not say what pill I am going to talk about. If this post is unacceptable I am sorry please edit what you can, but please do not completely delete my feelings. As I need as much help as I can get with them.- This is not a suicide post this is me looking for help getting better friends and support.

For those of you who don’t know me……..I’m 18 (coming up 19 at end of Feb), I live with my parents on a small council estate, I was brought up as a Christadelphian in a highly religious family. When I reacted 15/16 I left the religion I went against all my families belief I became the family disgrace. By this time I was cutting and overdosing without them knowing. At 17 a close friend grassed me up/told on me for overdosing and I had to go hospital. That is the only time I have been to hospital for overdosing. My parents found out I was told in a selfish disgrace they couldn’t bear to look at me. Now I am going it alone I have gone bk to try and get help for my overdosing.

A bit about what I overdose on - NOTE WITHOUT THE NAME- what I overdose on is possibly one of the most dangerous things I could get hold of and the worst thing to overdose on. Over the last few weeks I have gain a better knowledge of it than I ever have from the people around me the ones I love whole heartedly and those who are strangers to me with a knowledge beyond my stupidity. This pill affects my heart, brain and kidneys as well as my liver. I am giving myself life long liver damage with each pill/another step to death. But in time these steps are irreversible. The longer I do it with no help the longer im going to suffer the more my chances of dying from it are. It takes 10 hours for fatal damage, but 2 weeks to actually die and its fairly reliable. Once 10-12 hours is up, you've had it, but you still live for a week or two after that. Horrible side effects during this time (some of which are: acute toxic hepatitis, renal failure, cerebral oedema, intra-abdominal bleeding, aspiration pneumonia, haemophilia). Too small dose causes severe liver damage. Accidental deaths are very common. There are few if any side effects before the damage becomes fatal; occasionally vomitting and nausea.

Knowing this now I have understanding how people professional qualified to help me seem to by pass it. They tell me ill see you next week or change subject. How do they even know im going to be here next week. Do they not believe me when I tell them I doing it? do they not even care?

I don’t know what to make out of the mental health system I do not wish to waste their time I do not wish to be sectioned. I do not wish to spend time in hospital yet at the same time sumtimes I think I do. I cannot stop myself from doing this I try and fail. It feels a bit like they are willing to try and help me or they do not know what they have on their hands. I guess I want someone in the mental health system to care enough to take me on sumone to help me escape this hell.

Im told I cant get addicted to this pill by a student doctor friend maybe they are wrong I just don’t know I don’t know what to think of all of this.

Theres days I want to die and them theres days I don’t and regret all ive done and fear im gonna grow old in pain more pain than id get if I didn’t od. So I guess yes I do look to the future sometimes in hope ill have one I think we all do just don’t always admit it. I can od one day and a few days later I might think this is going to take to long to die what if I cant my mind before I die what if they cant save me cos im to far gone.

I had a mental health assessment yesterday they sent me home again sed they want another day to assess me even tho id admitted id had over 30 pills over the weekend. Part of me wonders how they can do that knowing what I know. Part of me wonders if this is a start how can they help me, They may as well say shes to far gone for us whos next to assess.

I am trying my best to get outta this mess.

I’m probably boring you all now and if you have managed to read this far congrats.

I’ll leave you all be now.

TinkerLoop
xxxx