Hello everyone -

I just found PC this afternoon and have been reading the threads in this forum for about the last 2 hours. I am so glad to find a place at last where I have so much in common with the other people here - but as I type that, I realize what a truly sad thing that is, that we are all here because someone we love is ill and/or we are ill ourselves.

I have been friends with my husband for 13 1/2 yrs, married for 10 1/2. I have loved him very much and been very happy most of that time. Turns out for at least the last 18 months I was alone in that "happy marriage" definition and I didn't even know it (and I'm a therapist, how about that?).

He left on a business trip Aug 16 as my loving husband and returned a pod person. At first I thought his detachment and irritability was perhaps an affair and my anxiety began to rise. He absolutely wasn't himself. It was a very confusing time for about 2 months - he talked about wanting me to leave b/c he "didn't want to hurt me anymore" and I had absolutely no idea what had suddenly happened to my husband.

I won't bore you with the details but it took a while to figure out that he is actually clinically depressed. He finally just started an antidepressant about 3 weeks ago and has now had 2 appts with an individual therapist. Most of the time now he is incredibly prickly irritable (and his usual mood is so mellow) and if he isn't being a snot then he's like a big, dark raincloud moving through the house.

Now that I finally understand he is ill, my anxiety has disappeared and most of the time I can love him and support him, but I do hold him accountable for his own recovery - he didn't choose to be ill but he has to choose to be well - still there are days when I feel frustrated and irritated myself and I have taken to honestly communicating that to him.

I don't know if we'll stay married or not. I hope so. But I have also started thinking about alternate futures in case that becomes necessary. I have certainly learned to be grateful for my friends and family and that it is up to me to nurture my own support network, because my best friend isn't there any more.

I'm here b/c I need support from other women in the same predicament and b/c I hope I can maybe help provide some support too - I think it was Mark Twain who wrote that "sorrow shared is halved."

thanks for reading my post.