Well, I made it through May. I'll still have my apartment for June, also. July is not looking good. I am getting washed over by dispair. I even think being homeless might help me be less riddled with anxiety. What's to fear when you have nothing to lose? Of course, I have no experience with being this down and out. Undoubtedly, there is a lot more misery to being homeless than I have any appreciation of. It is terrible to have become so apathetic. I feel physically debilitated and am not exerting myself for long. I get a couple of good days, and I think I am turning things around. Then I lapse into depression again. My pdoc agrees with me that I have a "character issue" that is allowing me to not do all I can to help myself. I suppose that is why he is not supportive of my applying for SSDI. I also feel I don't really deserve it.

The history of my life shows quite a lot of effort made to keep going and to be responsible for myself. It doesn't seem to count for anything now. If anything, it works against me. I am told that, with my history of being successful, there is no excuse for being as I am now. And I believe it myself, even though I don't believe it is the whole truth. But I believe it enough to figure that whatever miserable straights that I fall into will be what I have coming to me. I think I have crossed over into despair.