thank you rhapsody. feels good to be understood. cant keep fighting everything anymore, its too tiring. this is me. maybe its lack of sleep, but i think if i was meant for more, if there was supposed to be more to this life, none of this wouldve happened to me. does that make any sense? just cant keep trying to be someone else pretending i'm fine and making everyone happy. think my life was easier when i just focused on getting through the day instead of trying to be the person that someone could love. think what i have is enough for me. i've been looking for this great miracle and its not out there. is this too defeatist? i dont mean it to be. guess what i'm saying is maybe learning to live with who i am and what i have might bring some semblance of happiness, instead of looking for the whys and wondering about the what ifs.