I am going to try to post here more as well as just chat, partially because I like to come back later and see my post and the replies (although I guess I could start saving all my chats too) and partially because I think that the communication is different when you change the medium; that your mind bring up different material and people also reply in a different fashion.) I'm very much one to explain what I am doing when I do it the first time (maybe it reinforces the behavoir for me or at leasst clarifies my aims) so you'll all have to tolerate my ramblings.

Anyways, I missed a few midterms when I was in the hospital. I didn't end up in the hospital to avoid them alhtough perhaps the stress of their anticipation prepetuated my breakdown. I went to my teacher and explained that I was ill and they were all very understanding, though they all responded to it in different ways.I am going to try to post here more as well as just chat, partially because I like to come back later and see my post and the replies (although I guess I could start saving all my chats too) and partially because I think that the communication is different when you change the medium; that your mind bring up different material and people also reply in a different fashion.) I'm very much one to explain what I am doing when I do it the first time (maybe it reinforces the behavior for me or at least clarifies my aims) so you'll all have to tolerate my ramblings.

Anyway, I missed a few midterms (I had three fall on the same day) when I was in the hospital. I didn't end up in the hospital to avoid them although perhaps the stress of their anticipation perpetuated my breakdown. I went to my teacher and explained that I was ill and they were all very understanding, though they all responded to it in different ways.

My former personality current behavior change psych teacher was just very much "ok you were sick. we'll transfer the weight," no huff, no fuss. I told him I could show him my doctors note and he said that wasn't necessary. Then I said I could just be lying to him. And he said that he doubted it. He said that from what he observed in my past behavior and it's inferences about my personality that was unlikely. Of course when he said it, it sounded technical, professional, and cool. After I said to him that I was intelligent enough to be a great con artist, to which he just kind of chuckled

I had Abnormal Psych next and talked to the prof briefly before the class, just to say I'd missed the test and had a note from my doctor. In class she said that how she dealt with legitimately missed exams was to have the student write the exam at time of the final (though I'll have to ask her about making sure I get adequate time then) since presumably most of us return to school before we are completely healthy and would still be at a disadvantage writing it right when we got back. That's a neat approach and I like it.

After class I gave her a note from my doctor. She said she knew him that she had gone to junior high and high school with him (what a small world) and I said he'd went to med school with my mom (part of the reason I picked him although in the conversation I implied that it was chance.) I pretty sure she know that he is a psychiatrist since it's a close knit community of mental health people (though not so close it would have been impossible she didn't) and since he was in the paper recently.

The Edmonton Journal did an article on psychiatrist suicide since recently two well know psychiatrists committed suicide. One of them was a friend of my psychiatrist. He was quoted in the article about his friendship and his opinion of the issue. I remember one day, one session with him when I was more suicidal and was discussing it with him. And he said that he had just recently done the eulogy for a friend who had committed suicide and how that had affected him. Sort of a: this is the affect of suicide on the people who care about the deceased.

I think that was a significant day in our therapeutic bonding process. It was interesting to see the strength of our bond yesterday. We sitting, talking, somewhat philosophizing (but its still therapy. I'm not well yet.) At one point he said that it would be interesting to see thirty years from now, when I'm 50, and he's 80 how our perspective had evolved. We were talking about perspective and how mine differed from his and also how time had changed his a lot and that I need to give it time, life time. I remarked that did he really want us to still talk like this 30 years from now. And he replied that perhaps not in a patient to doctor setting, but if we met on the street some where or something.

I really liked the idea of that. He's an important part of my life and a guy I really like to boot. I remember thinking one, when he was saying he though some experience of depression could do his students good, wishing I could be his student, his mentoree, and not just in his office. There are things I don't like about the bond, like the feeling of guilt I get when I think I must have disappointed him or frightened him. I guess the frightened thing is a big thing. He's attached to me as I'm attached to him (though in a different role) so he's going to be frightened that I might hurt myself and he know that I rarely tell before hand so that he could do anything. I guess he will also feel loss if I do and I wish he didn't feel the loss or the fright and that even if he is disappointed (which I'm sure he is less than I think he will be) that's his thing to deal with.

My Ethics teacher asked why I was couldn't attend what the medical reasons were. I told him I was in the hospital for psychiatric reasons and I didn't want to say more than that. He said that in addition to Ethics teacher he was the college pastor and I could talk more about it later if I wanted to, it kind of made me uncomfortable, but I think him being it that position made me tell him it was psychiatric reasons. (Yesterday I lied and told my drama teacher I had missed class for cold/flu stuff, or rather she asked and I kind of said yes, since I didn't want to correct her)