I'm having one of my bad weeks right now, and I just don't see the point.

Around 5 years ago I've made myself a promise to end it all when I turn 30. Of course I won't do it when I have a good life by then (basically a good job and a relationship). 3,5 years have passed since I made this promise to myself, and things haven't gotten better. My life is filled with doubt and fear, and I will never get over it. But now, time isn't on my side. The clock is ticking and nothing changes.

I am trying to get out of this depression, but I always fall right back in. Sure, I've had my good days, even good months. But I've never been truly happy. I've always kept everything pretty much to myself, so noone would hurt me. But someone came into my life, and I trusted her. I fell hopelessly in love with her, and she knows everything about me. There was a connection, but we have never had any physical contact. I felt on top of the world, until she betrayed me.

That was half a year ago. I can't get over it, and I feel like such a loser because of that. I realised then, that I'm just to f***ed up to have a chance of leading a happy life. I will never meet someone, and if I do, I will probably find some flaws and just leave her. Or I will hang onto her, like she's my only hope. Either way, it isn't good. And, of course, it's purely hypothetical. I have to be realistic.

I don't have any goals that I want to achieve. I just keep going like this until I'm 30. I am seeing a T for half a year, and I also applied for group therapy. So I am trying to change things. People say that I have changed over the last 6 months, but I still feel the same.

I think the idea to stop at 30 has really settled deep into my brain. It seems like the only logical thing to do. I have only told my T this, and I think it scared her. I told it in a calm and reasonable way, which probably is much more scarier than the depressed, emotional way. I think it will scare other people as well, so I don't tell it to anyone.

Even starting yet another thread makes me feel like the biggest loser. When I joined PC, I was supposed to make little baby steps, and help others while getting better. In reality I just keep falling into depression.

I am sorry for wasting your time.